Okay - here it is - what I have NOT been wanting to do - recollecting my worst somewhat recent drinking memories - I know I NEED to do this in order to come to terms with my possible (read Probable) drinking issue.
Oktoberfest - September - a little over 5 years ago - had just gotten separated and moved into new house and there was an Oktoberfest at the cute little downtown within walking distance - I had a friend over and we went downtown and met up with more friends, all of whom ended coming back to my house, where we drank even more - slowly but surely, my friends faded away and passed out, except for me and one other friend who stayed up solving the world's problems (I am not a quitter, dammit!) until I threw up off the side of my front porch (way to impress the new neighbor's, right?), I think even then I didn't quit drinking
Beach trip -Sometime that same year - went to beach with a group of friends and our kids - some of the group went to a wedding that was there, except for me and the friend mentioned in above story - well, he and I proceeded to get totally wasted while we babysat 4 children and I snuck cigarettes while kids were awake and then proceeded to chain smoke once my daughter was in bed -SUPER irresponsible - no one would have been able to take care of kids had there been an emergency and I stayed up so late drinking, that I still felt drunk the next morning and was completely FREAKED out driving home
Christmas cheer - 2 or 3 years ago (Can't remember which year it was - is that a problem???)- my daughter was at her father's house Christmas Eve, so I ended up going to my cousin's house to celebrate with lots of appetizers and LOTS of drinks...I drank WAAAAY too much liquor, stayed up late with another cousin and my cousin's husband and chained smoked like a fiend - I slept in too late on Christmas Day so that I missed my daughter opening her presents at her dad's house that morning and felt like I was still drunk and couldn't drive, (and daughter and I were supposed to go out of town to my brother's house with my mom) so I drove to my mom's house where my ex-husband met me with my daughter and my mom then drove us to brother's house - she was not pleased to put it mildly - I pretty much slept most of the day away at my brother's house
Lake House Black out - July - again almost 2 years ago - went to the lake with my boyfriend at the time and some girlfriends and one of their spouses - the girls and I ended up staying up WAAAAY too late and drinking WAAAAY too much wine and I full on blacked out - wouldn't have known it, had it not been for the video evidence on my iPhone of me and friends engaged in a drunken conversation that I only vaguely recollect - thank you iPhone (not really)
Birthday surprise - My daughters' 6th or 7th birthday -can't remember if it was 2 or 3 years ago (Good GOD, I am an AWFUL mother!) - it was at my ex-husband's house and was well-attended by grown-ups and children. Of course we had adult beverages there and of course, I partook of these beverages. My dad and stepmom were in town as were my brother and sister in law - we all went to dinner after the fact and I drank even more (wasn't driving). Then brother, sis-in-law, my then boyfriend and I went back to my house and I drank Even more. Somewhere along the line I ended up breaking one of the flip-flop sandals I had been wearing. The worst part of it was the next day when my dad pulled me aside and gently chastised me for getting almost sloppy drunk - I don't know what he meant by almost - I was sloppy...ugh!
Cousin's wedding - April - about 2 years ago - my cousin's Sunday wedding - I got shit faced - ended up spending the night at another cousin's house and calling in sick to work the next day - had horrible diarrhea the next day and actually SHARTED in my underwear - can you spell D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G????
The Married Man -Memorial Day weekend almost 2 years ago. My then boyfriend and I Went over to my cousin's house with our children and a group of us were drinking outside. We then went to this hot air balloon festival near their house to see a concert and drank a lot. We left the children at their house with some older teenage girls as babysitters. I drank a TON at the concert and then my cousin's neighbor, a married man, mind you, started hitting on me, trying to get me to have sex with him, and the sad thing is I WANTED TO! Mind you, I didn't do it, but I damn sure did, with my boyfriend right there. The guy kept doing things like grabbing my ass throughout the night, and the awful thing is, I LIKED IT! Towards the end of the night things got fuzzy and I browned out - not a full black out, mind you, but definitely not a clear picture. For whatever reason this was kind of a straw that broke the camels back and I realized I had a problem and stopped drinking for a while and even went to some AA meetings - well, we can see how that went, based on my recent blog posts
Mother of all family fights - September - a little over a year ago - was at my mom's house with my daughter, mom, her boyfriend, cousin and her family, brother, sister-in-law and their daughter. I had too much to drink (SURPRISE!!!) - I don't even remember what it was that I was drinking - probably wine - and had the fight to end all fights with my mom - we have always had problems and I decided to lay it all out there with her - at this time I had broken up with boyfriend and I tried calling him to come get me, but to no avail as he didn't answer - I ended up passing out in my mom's bed with my daughter (Thank God I didn't drive home) - I was a hot mess! Fighting with my mom and my cousin, who was taking up for my mom, chain smoking and feeling like the whole world was against me
Then there is the day after, the horrible guilt and shame that comes with it that is only escapable through time and sober penance, having a go at normalcy before the cycle repeats itself.
Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I admit already to myself that I have a drinking problem. I just don't want it to be so! I might go drag myself to an AA meeting - What the hell?
As you may be able to infer, just by the sheer number of posts made today, I am struggling.
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