My bottom(s) - this has been edited as I am obviously a drunk ass and recalled multiple more events after posting

Okay - here it is - what I have NOT been wanting to do - recollecting my worst somewhat recent drinking memories - I know I NEED to do this in order to come to terms with my possible (read Probable) drinking issue.

Oktoberfest - September - a little over 5 years ago - had just gotten separated and moved into new house and there was an Oktoberfest at the cute little downtown within walking distance - I had a friend over and we went downtown and met up with more friends, all of whom ended coming back to my house, where we drank even more - slowly but surely, my friends faded away and passed out, except for me and one other friend who stayed up solving the world's problems (I am not a quitter, dammit!) until I threw up off the side of my front porch (way to impress the new neighbor's, right?), I think even then I didn't quit drinking

Beach trip -Sometime that same year - went to beach with a group of friends and our kids - some of the group went to a wedding that was there, except for me and the friend mentioned in above story - well, he and I proceeded to get totally wasted while we babysat 4 children and I snuck cigarettes while kids were awake and then proceeded to chain smoke once my daughter was in bed -SUPER irresponsible - no one would have been able to take care of kids had there been an emergency and I stayed up so late drinking, that I still felt drunk the next morning and was completely FREAKED out driving home

Christmas cheer -  2 or 3 years ago (Can't remember which year it was - is that a problem???)- my daughter was at her father's house Christmas Eve, so I ended up going to my cousin's house to celebrate with lots of appetizers and LOTS of drinks...I drank WAAAAY too much liquor, stayed up late with another cousin and my cousin's husband and chained smoked like a fiend - I slept in too late on Christmas Day so that I missed my daughter opening her presents at her dad's house that morning and felt like I was still drunk and couldn't drive, (and daughter and I were supposed to go out of town to my brother's house with my mom) so I drove to my mom's house where my ex-husband met me with my daughter and my mom then drove us to brother's house - she was not pleased to put it mildly - I pretty much slept most of the day away at my brother's house

Lake House Black out - July - again almost 2 years ago - went to the lake with my boyfriend at the time and some girlfriends and one of their spouses - the girls and I ended up staying up WAAAAY too late and drinking WAAAAY too much wine and I full on blacked out - wouldn't have known it, had it not been for the video evidence on my iPhone of me and friends engaged in a drunken conversation that I only vaguely recollect - thank you iPhone (not really)

Birthday surprise - My daughters' 6th or 7th birthday -can't remember if it was 2 or 3 years ago (Good GOD, I am an AWFUL mother!) - it was at my ex-husband's house and was well-attended by grown-ups and children.  Of course we had adult beverages there and of course, I partook of these beverages.  My dad and stepmom were in town as were my brother and sister in law - we all went to dinner after the fact and I drank even more (wasn't driving).  Then brother, sis-in-law, my then boyfriend and I went back to my house and I drank Even more.  Somewhere along the line I ended up breaking one of the flip-flop sandals I had been wearing.  The worst part of it was the next day when my dad pulled me aside and gently chastised me for getting almost sloppy drunk - I don't know what he meant by almost - I was sloppy...ugh!


Cousin's wedding - April - about 2 years ago - my cousin's Sunday wedding - I got shit faced - ended up spending the night at another cousin's house and calling in sick to work the next day - had horrible diarrhea the next day and actually SHARTED  in my underwear - can you spell D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G????


The Married Man -Memorial Day weekend almost 2 years ago.  My then boyfriend and I Went over to my cousin's house with our children and a group of us were drinking outside.  We then went to this hot air balloon festival near their house to see a concert and drank a lot.  We left the children at their house with some older teenage girls as babysitters.  I drank a TON at the concert and then my cousin's neighbor, a married man, mind you, started hitting on me, trying to get me to have sex with him, and the sad thing is I WANTED TO!  Mind you, I didn't do it, but I damn sure did, with my boyfriend right there.  The guy kept doing things like grabbing my ass throughout the night, and the awful thing is, I LIKED IT!  Towards the end of the night things got fuzzy and I browned out - not a full black out, mind you, but definitely not a clear picture.  For whatever reason this was kind of a straw that broke the camels back and I realized I had a problem and stopped drinking for a while and even went to some AA meetings - well, we can see how that went, based on my recent blog posts


Mother of all family fights - September - a little over a year ago - was at my mom's house with my daughter, mom, her boyfriend, cousin and her family, brother, sister-in-law and their daughter.  I had too much to drink (SURPRISE!!!)  - I don't even remember what it was that I was drinking - probably wine - and had the fight to end all fights with my mom - we have always had problems and I decided to lay it all out there with her - at this time I had broken up with boyfriend and I tried calling him to come get me, but to no avail as he didn't answer - I ended up passing out in  my mom's bed with my daughter (Thank God I didn't drive home)  - I was a hot mess!  Fighting with my mom and my cousin, who was taking up for my mom, chain smoking and feeling like the whole world was against me


Then there is the day after, the horrible guilt and shame that comes with it that is only escapable through time and sober penance, having a go at normalcy before the cycle repeats itself.

Why is this so hard for me?  Why can't I admit already to myself that I have a drinking problem.  I just don't want it to be so!  I might go drag myself to an AA meeting - What the hell?

As you may be able to infer, just by the sheer number of posts made today, I am struggling.

Wanting to drink...

I am probably getting ahead of myself here, but New Years Eve is tomorrow and my 40th birthday is this Saturday the 3rd, and I want to be able to DRINK!  I am going to my dad and stepmom's house and they are having a party for me with all of my family and I can't stand to think that I can't drink anything!!! Maybe if I set a firm limit for myself and stick to it, i will be okay.  I won't be driving, I DEFINITELY won't smoke, I won't be the sole adult responsible for my daughter, and I'll be freaking 40 people!!!  It really sucks to think I can't drink - it makes me want it even more - which is probably problematic, because if it wasn't a problem I wouldn't care.  Maybe I can drink normally, I've never really tried and some times, many times I do drink normally, a glass or two of wine, a couple of beers....it's just that when I don't, I really don't!!

Thoughts, words of wisdom, advice, would REALLY be appreciated!!!

Thinkin' bout drink in': Musings on DrunkDar, Party People and double lives

Today I will delight you, my reading audience, with some of my musings on Thinkin' bout Drinkin'.  I'm wondering how many of you have what I like to call DrunkDar?  DrunkDar is what I imagine Gaydar to be like, it is the ability of a heavy drinker to find another heavy drinker in a crowd.  I myself am endowed with this superpower and I wonder if any of you are as well.  Sometimes I may be a bit off, and find a recovering alcoholic, but usually I'm spot on.  I am wondering if this ability is  another way us drinkers continue our habits under the guise of normalcy?

This leads me to my second musing... how many heavy drinkers surround themselves with "party people", thus enabling them to reassure themselves that they and their drinking habits are both normal?  This is a thought that I am coming to terms with...the fact that many of my friends drink very similarly to me and that no one really calls me out on my drinking habits.  When  telling a friend recently that I drove drunk to get cigarettes, she supportingly responded "Well, I'm sure you didn't drive that far."  When telling another friend that I downed a bottle and a half of wine in isolation, she commiserated with me by sharing her tales of the night prior in which she befriended one of the musicians at the restaurant and her husband got mad at her for drinking too much.  When sharing the same story with another friend, she jokingly responded, "Well that's not too bad...that's only like 6 drinks, right?"  This has me wondering are my friends and I some sort of alcoholic coven?

Now onto musing number three, which  leads me to affirm that yes, I probably do have a drinking issue.  The people I don't share information with.  I don't talk to my parents about my drinking escapades...they would be mortified at the drunken driving, cigarettes, and one night stand with country boy.  I wouldn't dream of gabbing it up with  church-going teachers at my school about my weekend escapades.   Not sharing this part of my life has sometimes caused me to feel duplicitous, like I am living a double life.  Established Educator by day, Raging Party Girl by night. I think it's the knowing that my behavior and actions are "wrong" and the shame that goes along with that has caused me to be secretive with some. I want to have a more integrated and honest life in which I share all parts of myself with all people, and if they don't like me, well to hell with them because I know I am doing right by me.

Finally, I want to give a shout out for another great sober read that I just finished...My Last Rock Bottom by Sara Berelsman.  I loved her honesty and authenticity in describing her drinking life.  I highly recommend it!

Introverted Beginnings

Now that I have started writing this blog and really exploring my relationship to alcohol, there are so many different areas related to this that I want to investigate.  Like many other sober bloggers and writers have said, I was probably in trouble from the very beginning.  I am naturally introverted, and alcohol made it so much easier to be comfortable in social situations.  Actually, let's go beyond comfortable, and say it made me fun!  Not just fun, but super fun!

From the beginning I probably had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol...I didn't just drink it because it was there and a part of the social environment, I drank because it helped me to function more effectively (at least what I deemed more effectively) in that social environment.  This has made me wonder, why did I put such pressure on myself to be a certain way?  Why wasn't it just okay to be quiet?  Or just okay to not really want to be around a big group of people?  I guess it's neither here nor there now.

I wonder if any of you have had a similar relationship in the beginning stages of your drinking?  Please comment below!

On another note, today I am feeling a little bit irritable.  Not necessarily wanting to drink, but annoyed feeling like I can't.  Also annoyed that I am feeling Christmas weight gain - if I'm not drinking, I should automatically be skinny, right?  That's not too much to ask, is it???

Honestly, I guess I'm kind of lonely.  My daughter is at her dad's and I have loads of stuff I NEED to do, but nothing that I WANT to do.  I am missing being in a relationship right now and would love to have a nice gentleman friend to spend time with, but I know I probably need to get myself in a good space first and all of the rest will follow.  I am somewhat missing that warm, hazy, cozy space I could be in right now with a little bit of alcohol.  If only a little bit didn't turn into a lot and send me on an drunken drive for cigarettes. *SIGH* Oh well, like my pinspiration from yesterday's post, this is only a fleeting feeling - this too shall pass.

letting go...

Let me start with today's pinspiration:

I will use this as my jumping off point.  I am trying to let go of alcohol (although I am not sure how gracefully I am doing this).  Earlier today when I was out walking the dog, I had a strong craving for the release and escape that comes with drinking.  I was getting ahead of myself, thinking of an upcoming trip to visit my dad and stepmom where I will celebrate my 40th birthday, and trying to think how I will manage this with out alcohol...I mentioned in an earlier post that my dad is a master martini maker and the wine flows like water at their house.  

I continued walking the dog and went to see Into the Woods with my daughter and the feeling/craving passed, which leads me to pinspiration #2

I need to remember that these cravings or feelings will pass and not to succumb to them.  

I still find myself questioning whether or not I really need to quit, which the fact that I am even questioning it, probably means that I need to quit.  Somewhere I was reading  an analogy  akin to this (I can't remember where - I have read so many great blogs and books over the past few days):

I Imagine that someone tells me that I can never have cake again, because it isn't good for me (which I know it's not, but you see where I'm going here), puts me in danger, causes me to make bad choices, etc.    Sure, I'm bummed, but I get on with me life, because it's not a problem...yes, I love cake, but I don't have it every day, it's a nice to have, but given all the negative consequences that come with cake, it just isn't worth it when life has so much more to offer.  There are cookies, pies, doughnuts...

Now I'm in a situation, where I know I shouldn't have alcohol because it isn't good for me, puts me in danger, causes me to make bad choices etc. and I find myself trying to rationalize my way out of it.  You can't tell me that's not problematic.  The fact of the matter is that I like(d) to drink because of the feeling it gave me - the release, the escape, the vacation from myself.

So, now here I am looking to gracefully let go of this thing that is not meant for me...

A recent drinking history

Still completely undecided about whether or not my not drinking will last forever, but I guess that's not the kind of thing one really decides.  In an attempt to provide clarity as to the extent of my drinking issue, I am going to put it all out here to be examined by you, the reading audience...speaking of which, hello, is there anybody out there?  So here are my most recent drinking embarrassments/mistakes.

1 - last Saturday, 12/20/14 - drank about a bottle and a half of wine by myself, after which I thought it would be a good idea to drive down the street to buy cigarettes...regrets 1- drinking and driving 2 - cigarettes - ugh! and 3- texting my brother trying to get him to talk to me

2 - 12/5/14 - had a blind date from a dating web site - drank a glass of wine before said date, had two beers at dinner with date, then met up with friends afterwards and had God only knows how many drinks - smoked cigarettes on the street downtown (keeping it classy) and then drove home -UGH!!! then while driving home I missed my turn - made it home safely, albeit throughout a somewhat circuitous route

3 - 11/21/14 - A bit of a bender - went to happy hour and had three beers with a friend from work - came home had a friend come over and had a drink - met up with more friends for dinner to celebrate 40th birthdays and drank even more at dinner, then went to another bar and had MORE to drink - then came home and drank even more - and got into car to attempt to buy cigarettes, but gas station a quarter mile away was closed - I have no off switch!

4 - 11/8/14 - met up with a forever friend who was in town for dinner - wasn't even planning on drinking, because I had intended to go home and do school work, well, decided to have one beer at dinner which led to another, which led to restaurant bar, which led to cute little 28 year old country boy, which led to Rock N'Bowl (WTF? I don't even bowl) - which led to shots at bowling alley - another meal at Waffle House - Cute country boy at my house... Prime example of me not having control over alcohol - wasn't even going to drink and had one of the craziest (and sorry one of the most fun) times I have had in a LONG time - drove from restaurant to bowling alley - no bueno

5 - 11/4/14 - Ray La Montagne concert - went to dinner with old friend, brother, sis- in law and some of their friends, had drinks at dinner, then went to concert which had a delayed start, so drank considerably more while waiting, then brief drinking respite during concert as alcohol is not allowed in venue - more drinks after concert at bar, then at my friends house, then drove home -UGH!!! then I called in sick to work the next day - again, No Bueno

6 - 10/11/14 - Went to downtown festival with music, alcohol and food.  Had friends over to my house beforehand for drinks - had God only knows how many drinks out - later in the evening at a concert I kept harassing the man standing beside me, calling him a hipster (Don't ask me why - this seems to be my new favorite term in referring to young people that seem somewhat cool these days, except this guy wasn't really young, in fact he looks surprisingly similar to a dad I see when I pick my daughter up from after school)  Then I went out with friends to a local pub for more drinks and food (because we were all too busy drinking to eat anything downtown).  Saw a bunch of church people at the pub who I am sure had not imbibed even a quarter of what I had, but pretended not to see them  Only saving grace is that I didn't drive, however the Driver had probably just as much to drink as me

These are just the most recent events - Really upset with myself for allowing myself to drink and drive - Good Lord, can I get arrested after the fact for that?

The truth of the matter is, that this list could just go on and on further and further back in time.  I think I just don't have an off switch.  Yes, there are times when I might just have a drink or two, and I don't drink every night.  I can remember two other times in the past couple of years when I called in sick to work from drinking, once after a cousin's wedding on a Sunday, another time when I was by myself and walked to store to get cigarettes (why do I feel the need to drink when I smoke???!!)

I guess writing it all out here makes me see that yes, it really is a problem.  I am sure that there are some people out there that drink more and are worse off, but I think that I am past the age when it is okay to do this type of thing and the fact of the matter is that once I get going, I don't really have control of it.

I need to stop, right now drinking is not a good thing for me - I am not proud of the fact that I have gotten into a bad habit with drinking and driving - horrible!  I think about my daughter and this is not the example that I want to set for her.  Maybe I could just set strict limits for myself and stick to them, but it almost seems easier just to say nothing at all.

Thoughts???

Choosing to be Happy

One article I recently read on Mind Body Green that resonated with me is this one :7 tips to go easy on the booze this holiday season. I particularly like the fact that it is a CHOICE!  I am CHOOSING not to drink, there is no one with a gun to my head forcing me to not drink, I am choosing to be healthier, choosing to be present, choosing peace, choosing me.  I find it ironic that as someone who has serious issues with being controlled, I have allowed so much of my life to be controlled by alcohol... my friends, the activities I have chosen (think dinner, drinks, more drinks), the hungover days after riddled with guilt, shame, anxiety and worry, and the general amount of chaos I have invited into my life because of drinking.

I also have to say that I am very proud of myself for not drinking today after dropping my daughter off with her dad.  Instead, I took a nap, did some PhD reading(#shootmeinthehead #sofreakingboring), and took the dog for a long walk.  In the midst of my walk, I had a realization, that if I can make it through today, Christmas Day, by myself, without my daughter, and be fine, not just fine, but peaceful and content, I can make it through just about anything. Well, maybe not anything, but I can make it through a lot.  It really comes down to the fact that our circumstances are largely created by the judgements we place upon them, and today, I choose to be happy.

With all that being said, I leave you with this little piece of Pinspiration (read Pinterest + Inspiration)

Pity Party - table for one

Just dropped my daughter off with her dad and his wife on Christmas Day - 5 1/2 years later it still surprises me what a knife to the gut it feels like on occasions like this and how it takes my breath away with tears not to have her on the holidays.  Somehow it doesn't seem fair...it's not fair that he is with the person he was talking to all those years ago and I am on my own. This could be the perfect excuse to start drinking, all alone on Christmas, but I'm not and not really tempted to either.  It could be that I am hopped up  on cold medicine, or maybe my resolve is strengthening (doubt that!), but either way, I'll take it.

I made it through last night quite easily without any alcohol.  My mom came over and brought champagne, and I was gifted ANOTHER bottle of wine yesterday (not sure what this says about me?), yet I didn't have a drop.  So, today marks day 5 of no alcohol.  I'm already trying to figure out what I will do about my 40th birthday in a little over a week.  I will be celebrating with my dadd and stepmom's family, where the martinis are ever abundant and the wine flows like water - must figure out how to navigate this event.  Already thinking, well, maybe it's okay if I drink - I won't be driving, I won't have to worry about being solely responsible for daughter...we shall see how this plays out.

Glimpses of the future

Still struggling with the to drink or not to drink question.  Today my ex-husband came by to see our daughter and brought me a bottle of wine for a gift...my favorite :(  I told him I was "on the wagon" and he seemed to think it was comical that I might not drink - he said "You're like 'XYZ friend', you may not drink every day, but when you do, you drink a lot.  You are a binge drinker."  This made me doubt my decision to not drink.  Can I do it?  Can I not drink?  Do I really need to stop?  Granted I make bad decisions when I drink, but I have been lucky not too have anything super bad happen to me while under the influence.

The other night, a good friend of mine who is in her mid-fifties and a recovering alcoholic called me at 3:00 in the morning when she relapsed.  This made me think of all the late night phone calls I have made to friends and family - I don't want to be that person.  Then another friend who is not quite 50 shared has shared some of her recent drinking stories with me.  One day she threw up on her way into work from drinking too much the night before.  On another occasion she drank too much one Saturday(think day drinking, dinner drinking, night drinking) and was hung over all day Sunday.  Both of these events with my friends made me think, "God I don't want that to be me", but in reality, that is me, that is me, ten, maybe fifteen years down the line, if I don't make changes now.

I have visions of myself being a healthy, fit, yoga practicing non-drinker.  I would like to say that I am zen-like, not cursing and always patient, but let's be realistic.  I am trying to paint a new picture of myself and what I want me life to be.

I will leave you today with an image I found on Pinterest that pretty well sums up my drinking life.

To drink or not to drink...that is the question

So, here I sit, after being inspired by reading several blogs( Soberbia, Taking Over my Brain, Unpickled, and Tired of thinking about drinking) starting my own, as I start my venture (yet again) into sobriety.  Yikes!  Sobriety??! Is that a word I dare use in reference to me?

Hence the proverbial question...to drink or not to drink?  I wouldn't say that I am an alcoholic, although I do have some high risk factors according to Rethinking Drinking.  I like to refer to myself as an almost 40 year old recovering (sometimes) party girl, the classic binge drinker, that never quite outgrew the sorority girl college years.  The only problem is, the behaviors aren't quite so cute anymore, when you have a career as an educator in a local school district, an eight year old daughter, and you take risks you wouldn't otherwise take had you not been drinking...picture driving to the gas station to get cigarettes after a bottle plus of wine... only 5 glasses, that's not bad, right? Or bringing home that cute young man 12 years your junior when your daughter is at her dad's house, or better yet, flashback to a night out with friends when you responsibly get a taxi cab and as you sit on the sidewalk outside the restaurant vomit in the road for all passerby's to see.

I know the answer to the question, but I don't want to admit it.  The answer brings more questions.

•  What will my friendships be like if I'm not drinking, since so many of them and so many of our activities center around alcohol?
• How do I tell my family without letting on to all of my previous errors in judgment?
• What do I do with the alcohol that is sitting in my fridge and pantry?  (I can't just throw it out, can I?  Seems like that is just throwing money down the drain)
• How am I going to make it through Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve and my 40th birthday without alcohol?
• Do I need to go to AA?

Ultimately, I know the right decision.  Sometimes I am in control of alcohol, but sometimes (most times) I'm not. I've tried to quit drinking in the past... once going so far as to go to a couple of AA meetings and not drinking for a month, but then after breaking up with my then boyfriend (who I blamed for making me drink because of dissatisfaction in relationship) I thought I had it under control and well, here we are again.  The reasons change but the problem remains...drinking.  I drink because of a bad relationship, I drink because I'm happy and celebrating, I drink because I'm stressed and need to relax from pressures of single parenthood, doctoral studies and full-time job, I drink because I'm sad, I drink because I'm lonely (speaking of which, it's not a problem to drink alone, right?), I drink, I drink, I drink...

I get tired of feeling like I'm living a double life - if many of the people I work with knew how much I drank or how I acted when I drink they would think I have lost my mind (which I quite feasibly may have).  I'm tired of the massive guilt I feel after drinking too much, the anger I feel at myself that I had too much to drink and drove, that I smoked cigarettes and the worry that I may have embarrassed myself in front of a colleague or parent).

All this to ask one last question posed by the great Leann Rimes (please read sarcastically) How do I live without you?