Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Day 16

This morning I have been thinking a lot about control in my life...how I have sought to have control a lot more than I realized.  I think my goal-oriented nature is all about attempting to control the future to some degree.  I think even with my drinking I've been trying to control my understanding of it, and compartmentalize it into a neat, little box that it fits tidily within, when that is not a reality.  It's ironic really, that I have sought to have so much control in my life, yet I've given it over to the one thing that makes me completely lose any semblance of control I might have - alcohol.

Today on day 16, I am seeking to understand to realize in life I truly have little control except to do the next "good thing"for me today.  I am seeking to let go and trust that I am on the right path.

Today's pinspiration:

Monday, March 30, 2015

Day 15

Today is Day 15.  I am still struggling with understanding that I have an alcohol problem...I am beginning to be able to accept it, but I don't fully understand it, and it may be that I just won't ever fully understand it.  I have been going to AA meetings, which have been beneficial for the most part, but when I start to compare my drinking behaviors to that of the people that I listen to speak in the meetings, I find myself thinking, I'm not that bad (i.e, getting DUIs, robbing liquor stores, waking up in strange places with people I don't know, going missing from my family)...I'm not an alcoholic.  What I can identify with is a lot of the feelings and thoughts that people share - the way that alcohol makes them feel, the craving for it, the feelings of never fitting in, the love of it...

My therapist recommended a book for me of daily meditations called The Art of Letting Go.  Today's meditation was about experimentation. Here is one excerpt that resonated with me "Now is the time to experiment.  It is an important part of recovery.  Let yourself try things.  Let yourself try something new. Yes, you will make mistakes, you can learn what your values are.  Some things we just won't like.  That's good.  Then we'll know a little more about who we are and what we don't like...recover does not equal abstention from life.  Recovery means learning to live and learning to live fully.  Recovery means exploration, investigation, experimentation...Experiment. Try something new.  Maybe you won't like it.  Maybe you'll make a mistake.  But maybe you will like it, and maybe you'll discover something you love."

I feel like I am trying to determine who I am without alcohol.  Who are my true friends?  What will I do?  How will I have fun?

I feel very raw, vulnerable and exposed...not a comfortable place to be at all.  I feel confused, like I am flying blind.  I don't know if I am on the right path at all, but I will continue to keep stepping forward, one day at a time.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Acceptance

Tonight I went to another AA meeting.  It was huge - people broke into several different rooms based on the steps.  I went to the steps one and two room.  In the meeting a lot of what I heard was foreign to me, but some was not. I was able to identify with a couple of the speakers -one guy talked about how he loved how alcohol made him feel from the minute he began to the last time they slapped the cuffs on him.  (well, helloooo????Who doesn't love how it makes them feel - I guess "normies"?)  Another girl shared how she tended to replace her drinking issues with other concerns to try to change her situation or how she feels  (insert shopping, eating too much, eating too little)

This has gotten me to thinking about the first step that I am powerless over alcohol.  I know this is probably the case, but it is sooooooo stinking difficult to truly admit that.  Sometimes I can control, except for when I can't, and the problem is that I am not really able to predict when I will or won't be in control, so I guess that means I'm not in control, which means I'm powerless over it...but does being powerless over alcohol mean that I am an alcoholic??? I am really struggling with the idea of saying "Hi my name is _____, and I'm an alcoholic."  I guess because, in my mind, if I say that the jig is really up, and maybe I'm still holding out hope that it will change.  One thing that makes me think maybe I am okay, is that all of my friends drink...some maybe even more than me, and some less, but all drink a good bit.  As I'm reflecting on this though, I think I have to consider the broader spectrum of people out there, and that my friends and I may be a minority and that like tends to attract like...big drinkers hang out with other big drinkers....so, I guess that's really not that good of a reason to think I don't have a problem.

I do however, have several reasons to quit.

  • My almost 9 year old daughter - I really want to set a positive example for her, and she is old enough to be catching on to my shenanigans
  • It's catching up to me...I have had this sneaking suspicion in the back of my head that alcohol and I are in a race, and that I have been ahead of it for a while, but it is rapidly catching up with me...I don't want it to catch up with me and have to face negative consequences
  • I want to live one integrated life...I have felt tired of living dual lives (teacher by day, drunken lunatic by night)
  • Not feeling the shame, anxiety and guilt that come with a binge
  • Being more even keeled
  • Long term health benefits 
So, I guess I will keep doing what I'm doing and working on acceptance.  Hopefully this time it will stick.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Surrender

So tonight I went to an AA meeting.  I almost didn't go, almost talked myself out of it, but I went, almost compelled to go, and you know what??? I survived.  Not only did I survive, but I liked it!  The group was filled with warm, friendly, funny people.  In the meeting they talked a lot about acceptance as it relates to life in general and trying not to control things (i.e, the Serenity Prayer).  When these people talked, the things they said were very similar to my ways of thinking.  Then, one man spoke at the end who had 12 days.  He talked about acceptance as to whether or not he was an alcoholic, because he wasn't a binge drinker, or an every day drinker, and he didn't have a low low like others he had heard of in the meetings, and he still struggled with whether or not that he was an alcoholic in comparison, but that he felt much better and less anxiety ridden in his 12 sober days.

The people were so welcoming and encouraging, I felt at home - I chatted with many of the women after the meeting and they shared that many of them had similar stories.

I think I can do this.  I got an email from Belle a couple of days ago (I rejoined 100 day challenge) about adding things when you relapse...like what can you do differently?  This time I will add AA.

I got my white chip of surrender on Day 4.

Monday, March 16, 2015

A drinking month (or so) and DAY 1

So...here I am again...going to try to stop drinking.  Earlier today I sat down and analyzed my drinking behavior over the past month or so (37 days to be exact), and recorded how much I drank.  Here is a synopsis:

2/8: 2 beers at Sushi dinner with Match man - that was our first and last date

2/17: Binge 1: see my post - simple as that - for all of the gory details

2/27: Happy Hour with friends at Mexican restaurant - 1 Large margarita and either 3 or 4 draft beers

2/28: Mountain weekend with somewhat new friends - had 2 beers

3/4: either 2 or 3 glasses of wine at dinner and 2 woodchucks when I got back home

3/6: went to happy hour with some young teachers - had probably 5 small margaritas (they ordered pitchers) and 1 or 2 woodchuck

3/7: 3 8 ounce glasses of wine before and with dinner (I know the measurement, because I paid extra for those 3 more ounces, dammit!)

3/12: Bender 2 (see ramblings)

3/15: 2 small glasses of champagne at my mom's house

The breakdown:

  • 3 episodes of "normal Moderate drinking" (meaning approximately 2 drinks)
  • 4 episodes of "technical binge drinking" (I categorize this as technical binge drinking because CDC says binge drinking is 4 or more drinks in approximately 2 hour period - I however do not  categorize them as binges, because I am not drunk texting, dialing, and am still in decent control of my behavior)
  • 2 "Extreme Binges" - when I have waaaaaay too much to drink - scary that I can drink so much and still function
So, I think after stopping drinking and then starting again, I can see how I picked right back up where I left off, and where I left off wasn't all that great.  I want to be the kind of mother my daughter will be proud of and to be present for her and set a good example for her.

The fact of the matter is that I do have a problem as I can clearly see looking back at my posts.  Alcohol owns me.  Honestly, I'm not happy drinking unless I am shitfaced and checked out and that is  not how I want to live my life - yes, it is MORE than enjoyable in that moment, but the aftermath???...not so enjoyable.  So, here I am starting again.

DAY 1

Saturday, March 14, 2015

ramblings

Well, I made it about a month and had another blowout Thursday night to the tune of 1/2 a bottle of prosecco (oh one glass of which had a shot of St. Germain - I never said I was a cheap drunk), a bottle of red wine, and because all of the wine was gone, three beers.  Oh yes, let me not leave out the pack of cigarettes that I consumed.  Did I forget to say that this was all by myself??? I Facebook messaged a friend I haven't talked to in over a year to say that I would love to go to the beach with her and her family this summer if they vacation this way (WTF???I would never invite myself along sober).  I called my ex-boyfriend and asked him what what wrong in our relationship (ugh - I'm sure I was slurring at this point in time - I remember being cognizant of that). I was able to make it to work on Friday and despite a bit of an upset stomach, function quite effectively for the amount of alcohol consumed the night prior.

This has me wondering if anyone really knows how much I drink?  No, it might not be every day, but my binges seem bigger and possibly more problematic.  I know I can function with out alcohol, and sometimes manage it quite effectively, except for when I don't, when I use it to escape.  I can pretty much pinpoint the feeling I have when I know I am going to get f'd up... the feeling of release - needing to let go and forget about everything.

Okay, so back to question - who knows how much I drink?  Honestly, probably only two friends, one who is a bit of a drinker herself, and the other who is a recovering alcoholic. Who doesn't know - my mom, my dad, my stepmom, my daughter (although she has heard me on the phone talking about wanting to stop drinking), my ex-husband, my work colleagues (minus one), most of my friends don't know about the extent to which I drink when I have a binge (except for one who said that I just drink alone because I am alone so much), my aunts, my cousins, my stepmom's family.  Pretty much almost everyone I know, minus two people...maybe that in and of itself is a problem.  It's not that I lie about it, it's just not that I share.  Maybe guilt by omission. Do I want to tell them?  Not really.  Sometimes, I do when I feel like I want help in general.    I think most people would be surprised to know how I feel many times - so lonely, so overwhelmed, and my quick and easy remedy is drinking.

Why do I keep drinking?  I'm not sure...it's fun, it's a release, it's something I do with friends (and it's something I do alone).  I didn't drink for about a month earlier this year and I felt great, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that I replaced my alcohol use with overeating.  Why can't I freaking be addicted to something like running or weightlifting? The only drawback to my not drinking was that it really limited my social activities, which aren't all that expansive to begin with.  When I get together with my friends, most of our activities involve alcohol in some way shape or form, and it is very hard for me to imagine participating in those activities without a drink.

I want to imagine a new life, a different life, a better life for me, it's just that it's so hard.  I know any unbiased reader who has been reading my blog would probably tell me to just go ahead and quit already, yet something keeps me hanging on to it.  So, holding true to my overly analytical OCD nature, I will do a pros/cons analysis.

Pros

  • Something I do with friends
  • stress reliever
  • fun
Cons
  • something I do alone
  • behave in ways that are uncharacteristic of sober me:
    • poor/dangerous choices in men (i.e, 28 year old felon)
    • inviting myself on vacation with friends I haven't talked to in years
    • drunk texting (oh I'm a horribly witty drunk!)
    • Drunk Calling (the only thing better than a drunk textO
  • Unhealthy
    • not too mention the abundance of cigarettes smoked in conjunction with a binge
  • Dangerous
    • drinking and driving
  • fattening (I have said of this year that I seem to be on a one-woman mission to see how fat I can get)
Worries
  • What will I do with my friends if I don't drink (intuitive answer - if I don't have anything to do with them without drinking, they really weren't my friends to begin with)
  • I'm going to Jamaica with my friends this summer to celebrate our 40th birthdays at an all-inclusive resort - how can I do this without drinking - hell I'm not even going to pretend I'm not going to drink on this trip
  • What will I do for fun????
  • How will I relieve stress?
  • What if I vacation to Europe? How could I go without drinking wine? (why am I even worrying about this now)
Am I an alcoholic?  I don't identify myself as one, but I feel like if I really truly quit drinking I would need to go to AA.  I also don't know what I would say to my family...I feel like for it to truly stick I would have to be honest with them.

Lots of thoughts in this blog...I think I will sign off for now and continue my binge of DVRed Intervention episodes...it may be a binge, but at least I'm not the one getting drunk.