I'm sitting at my laptop working on my final paper due in my research class, so what else should I do but make a quick blog post? (I am ever the procrastinator)
This morning I have been thinking about how the stress in my life seems so much less than it did before, which is ironic. The amount of stress in my life hasn't changed...I'm still a single mom, I'm still in grad school, I still struggle financially, but somehow I am less stressed about it all since I have removed alcohol from my life. I am more balanced and seem to be better able to cope with whatever curve balls life throws me. I have more time to focus on what's important, namely my daughter and those things, that despite being sometimes tedious and completely non-exciting, are still necessary (things like my coursework, cleaning house, paying bills, etc.)
It's funny to me that the alcohol I was turning to in order to cope with my stress was actually making my life more difficult.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
40 days and 40 nights
Today marks day 40. I went to my usual Friday night AA meeting and I spoke! I think I may have very well sounded like a blubbering, rambling fool but I spoke and <gasp> said the dreaded words...I am an alcoholic.
Today's meeting was focused on step 1 (admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable), and in true to form, God sent me to that meeting to hear a message I needed. I shared that I had been struggling with identifying as an alcoholic and that I had been listening in meetings for the differences between me and those that spoke, thinking "well, I never did that, so I'm okay". I shared how I had been trying to understand my drinking problem, but couldn't quite wrap my head around it, that I wanted to find someone who was just like me, but I couldn't - I told them that my life wasn't unmanageable (with the exception of the times alcohol was involved) and that I was actually quite successful, but that I had gotten tired of living a double life (professional educator by day, drunken fool by night). At least, this is what I intended to express, but I think it may have sounded something like, "well, um, I like really have been struggling with this, you know, like trying to understand, um where I um am with this whole thing"...
The words of the man who spoke next resonated with me. He said that for him, step one was about surrender, and that surrender just means you are tired of fighting. And fighting is exactly what I have been trying to do, trying to control and manipulate this situation onto my terms with my semantics, things like "I may have a drinking problem, but I'm not an alcoholic." He also said that no two people's paths were the same, that we all had our own roads to travel and that all he could do was share his experience.
The leader in the meeting also shared another great point, that acceptance doesn't mean you like something, it just means it's there. Like if you have a broken leg, you don't have to like it, but you accept it as a fact.
I talked to a couple of girls at the meeting, both of whom texted me this evening, saying how good it was to see me and how nice to meet me, and to call them if I needed anything, which is so nice and so humbling, that someone who barely knows me would be willing to open themselves up to me. One girl invited me to this young person's meeting tomorrow night (although I'm not quite sure I qualify at 40), where they are having some sort of party afterwards, and I think I just may go.
It's taken me 40 days to get to this point (plus a couple of years prior of contemplating and failed attempts at sobriety) to be able to say that I am an alcoholic. I think it's something that I need to say frequently to continue to accept it.
Today's meeting was focused on step 1 (admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable), and in true to form, God sent me to that meeting to hear a message I needed. I shared that I had been struggling with identifying as an alcoholic and that I had been listening in meetings for the differences between me and those that spoke, thinking "well, I never did that, so I'm okay". I shared how I had been trying to understand my drinking problem, but couldn't quite wrap my head around it, that I wanted to find someone who was just like me, but I couldn't - I told them that my life wasn't unmanageable (with the exception of the times alcohol was involved) and that I was actually quite successful, but that I had gotten tired of living a double life (professional educator by day, drunken fool by night). At least, this is what I intended to express, but I think it may have sounded something like, "well, um, I like really have been struggling with this, you know, like trying to understand, um where I um am with this whole thing"...
The words of the man who spoke next resonated with me. He said that for him, step one was about surrender, and that surrender just means you are tired of fighting. And fighting is exactly what I have been trying to do, trying to control and manipulate this situation onto my terms with my semantics, things like "I may have a drinking problem, but I'm not an alcoholic." He also said that no two people's paths were the same, that we all had our own roads to travel and that all he could do was share his experience.
The leader in the meeting also shared another great point, that acceptance doesn't mean you like something, it just means it's there. Like if you have a broken leg, you don't have to like it, but you accept it as a fact.
I talked to a couple of girls at the meeting, both of whom texted me this evening, saying how good it was to see me and how nice to meet me, and to call them if I needed anything, which is so nice and so humbling, that someone who barely knows me would be willing to open themselves up to me. One girl invited me to this young person's meeting tomorrow night (although I'm not quite sure I qualify at 40), where they are having some sort of party afterwards, and I think I just may go.
It's taken me 40 days to get to this point (plus a couple of years prior of contemplating and failed attempts at sobriety) to be able to say that I am an alcoholic. I think it's something that I need to say frequently to continue to accept it.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Step 1 and Day 39
I met with my sponsor last night to begin my step work with the book Back to Basics, and let me tell you Step 1 was a doozy! If you have been an avid reader of my blog this will probably not be a surprise to you, as many of my posts have dealt with me coming to terms with my drinking problem.
The process for step one in this book was to read a chapter that talks a good bit about alcoholism, with some of the identifiers being like you have a craving for alcohol, find that you often can't control the amount you drink (like some people have just one or two drinks and for you that's just getting started!), or that you have tried to quit and that you are unable to do so. Despite the fact that I met all of those identifiers, it was still hard for me to say that yes I am an alcoholic.
I know that I have a drinking problem, and that I don't need to drink, but saying that I am an alcoholic takes it to a whole other level and it means for me that the jig is really up, which is actually kind of sad to me. I guess I was harboring a pipe dream that when I finished my degree and my life was less filled with stress I might be able to drink more normally, and admittance of my problem with the "a" word means I have to kiss that dream good-bye.
I know it's crazy, but it is kind of sad to me...I loved alcohol - I loved how it made me feel, how it turned my mind off, the fun times I had with it...
As I have been reflecting back on my drinking career, I have come to the realization that most of my memories involve alcohol. Memories of the beach, vacations, first dates, Grad school (the first go around), my favorite cities of Charleston and Savannah, the fun parties, boy friends, girls nights out...the list goes on and on.
So now I begin the work of creating a new life and new memories filled with healthy coping and clarity and free of alcohol.
Wish me luck!
The process for step one in this book was to read a chapter that talks a good bit about alcoholism, with some of the identifiers being like you have a craving for alcohol, find that you often can't control the amount you drink (like some people have just one or two drinks and for you that's just getting started!), or that you have tried to quit and that you are unable to do so. Despite the fact that I met all of those identifiers, it was still hard for me to say that yes I am an alcoholic.
I know that I have a drinking problem, and that I don't need to drink, but saying that I am an alcoholic takes it to a whole other level and it means for me that the jig is really up, which is actually kind of sad to me. I guess I was harboring a pipe dream that when I finished my degree and my life was less filled with stress I might be able to drink more normally, and admittance of my problem with the "a" word means I have to kiss that dream good-bye.
I know it's crazy, but it is kind of sad to me...I loved alcohol - I loved how it made me feel, how it turned my mind off, the fun times I had with it...
As I have been reflecting back on my drinking career, I have come to the realization that most of my memories involve alcohol. Memories of the beach, vacations, first dates, Grad school (the first go around), my favorite cities of Charleston and Savannah, the fun parties, boy friends, girls nights out...the list goes on and on.
So now I begin the work of creating a new life and new memories filled with healthy coping and clarity and free of alcohol.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Recovering me
I feel like I made some headway on my not-drinking-journey this weekend, after beginning it with a minor meltdown complete with tears and sadness at my newfound inability to not drink...it was Friday night, I was going to meet friends for sushi at a place where I have been drinking for Y-E-A-R-S, and I wanted to be able to drink dammit! I actually cried - thinking back, I'm not sure why, but I definitely felt a loss. I called my sponsor who told me that this was part of the process, that maybe now the newness was wearing off and I would need to find new ways to reward myself as well as learning how to face emotions. I went to dinner with my friends and had a great time...just as good of a time as I would have had if I had been drinking. They had probably 2 - 3 drinks each, which made me wonder if I was the person driving the party train...when I was drinking before it seemed like everyone drank just about as much as me - could I have been the instigator? After dinner with friends I went to an AA meeting and I got my 30 day chip - woo hoo!! I still feel awkward in the meetings, although I enjoy going to them and feel as if I always get something from them. I think it's just that I am not a good small talker and DEFINITELY not a big talker in front of groups of people I don't know when I'm not 100% sure of what I'm talking about. I have yet to speak in front of the group at the meeting and I most certainly haven't said the A-word.
I feel so much more peace in my life than I have felt in a long, long time...maybe even ever. I am feeling more balanced and calm. Even though I wasn't a daily drinker, I am wondering how much of the chaos that was in my life was brought about by alcohol and the repercussions from overindulgence. I am not as tired as I used to be, and not napping all the time. I feel like I am getting so much more done than I have in the past - be it work, school, or home. I am able to focus so much more of my attention on my daughter, and I am realizing how she frequently has gotten the short end of the stick - words cannot truly express how this saddens me. I am actually feeling content just being me and doing "my thing". I am trying to be gentle with myself and accept myself as I am. I am working on the serenity prayer and realizing how much I tried to control people, places and things that were out of my control.
I am remembering who I really am and what things I really like, that I actually am a quiet, more introverted person (unless we're close, then watch out!) and that it is okay for me to be that way - I don't have to put on a party girl facade to be liked. I feel like I am on the path to recovering the real me...maybe that's what recovery is all about?
I feel so much more peace in my life than I have felt in a long, long time...maybe even ever. I am feeling more balanced and calm. Even though I wasn't a daily drinker, I am wondering how much of the chaos that was in my life was brought about by alcohol and the repercussions from overindulgence. I am not as tired as I used to be, and not napping all the time. I feel like I am getting so much more done than I have in the past - be it work, school, or home. I am able to focus so much more of my attention on my daughter, and I am realizing how she frequently has gotten the short end of the stick - words cannot truly express how this saddens me. I am actually feeling content just being me and doing "my thing". I am trying to be gentle with myself and accept myself as I am. I am working on the serenity prayer and realizing how much I tried to control people, places and things that were out of my control.
I am remembering who I really am and what things I really like, that I actually am a quiet, more introverted person (unless we're close, then watch out!) and that it is okay for me to be that way - I don't have to put on a party girl facade to be liked. I feel like I am on the path to recovering the real me...maybe that's what recovery is all about?
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
31 days!
Today is 31 days alcohol free for me! This is the longest I have gone without drinking (excluding pregnancy :). It feels like it has been a bit easier this time, mostly because I have come to terms with the fact that drinking is problematic for me, although I am still yet to embrace the "A-word".
I am trying to stay out of my head and not overthink things, but to take it one day at a time. I have had this little itch though in the back of my head, beckoning to me every now and again..."Don't you want a drink?" "Wouldn't a glass of wine be good right now?" "You need to relax - get yourself a drink!" "You are about to attend your last PhD class E-V-E-R!!!How will you celebrate without alcohol?" "Who will you be friends with if you aren't going to happy hour?"
Tonight I wanted a drink after meeting with a professor to discuss my comps exam and upcoming dissertation, but I didn't - it wasn't a huge effort, as I have nothing to drink here, and I have my daughter (not that that has necessarily stopped me before), but rather an annoyance. I'm supposed to start working the steps with my sponsor next Wednesday and she says it will all come together then and that life only gets better without drinking, so I'll say Cheers to that with my glass of Trader Joe's sparkling pink lemonade.
I am trying to stay out of my head and not overthink things, but to take it one day at a time. I have had this little itch though in the back of my head, beckoning to me every now and again..."Don't you want a drink?" "Wouldn't a glass of wine be good right now?" "You need to relax - get yourself a drink!" "You are about to attend your last PhD class E-V-E-R!!!How will you celebrate without alcohol?" "Who will you be friends with if you aren't going to happy hour?"
Tonight I wanted a drink after meeting with a professor to discuss my comps exam and upcoming dissertation, but I didn't - it wasn't a huge effort, as I have nothing to drink here, and I have my daughter (not that that has necessarily stopped me before), but rather an annoyance. I'm supposed to start working the steps with my sponsor next Wednesday and she says it will all come together then and that life only gets better without drinking, so I'll say Cheers to that with my glass of Trader Joe's sparkling pink lemonade.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Day 25
Today makes 25 days. I feel much stronger this time than I did in any previous attempts. I know for sure that I am going to make it to 30 days! I've been debating the role that AA will play in my life, but I really want to go back, with one of the primary reasons being that I want that 30 day chip! ;) My reasons for not going are that I'm still not quite sure if I belong, I kind of feel like an "alcoholic poser" since I never had a DUI, never went to rehab, was never a wake-up drinker,etc. Now this is not to imply that I don't have a problem, because I know I do, I'm just wondering how "high-bottoms" like me fit into AA, or if we even do. Sometimes if I get too far into my thinking I will say to myself that I am just drinking too much because of the stress in my life.
So, I've been telling myself that I'm just not drinking "for now". How long "for now" is, I don't know. When I think that I can drink at any time, I ask myself why I would want to do that, knowing that it will make me feel bad mentally, physically and emotionally. When I think about drinking moderately, I think "why bother?", because I know that for me, alcohol was never about moderation, it was a vehicle to get me to feel the way I wanted to feel.
My dad and stepmom came to visit last weekend for Easter and I told them that I wasn't drinking. I said I didn't want to make a big deal about it, but that I wasn't drinking right now. My stepmom said that she had wanted to talk to me about that, because she could tell that the last time we talked I had been drinking and had been drinking a good bit. Can you say embarrassment? I wanted to melt into the floor! However shaming that discussion was, it was also verification that I am on the right path.
I recently cancelled a 40th birthday trip with girlfriends to an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. I know that this would be nothing but a booze-fest, and my chances of enjoying myself alcohol free were slim to none. I feel good about my decision and have decided instead to go somewhere with my daughter.
I'm still plugging along, feeling pretty good, with no plans of drinking anytime soon...One day at a time is all we can really count on. Today I am choosing sobriety.
So, I've been telling myself that I'm just not drinking "for now". How long "for now" is, I don't know. When I think that I can drink at any time, I ask myself why I would want to do that, knowing that it will make me feel bad mentally, physically and emotionally. When I think about drinking moderately, I think "why bother?", because I know that for me, alcohol was never about moderation, it was a vehicle to get me to feel the way I wanted to feel.
My dad and stepmom came to visit last weekend for Easter and I told them that I wasn't drinking. I said I didn't want to make a big deal about it, but that I wasn't drinking right now. My stepmom said that she had wanted to talk to me about that, because she could tell that the last time we talked I had been drinking and had been drinking a good bit. Can you say embarrassment? I wanted to melt into the floor! However shaming that discussion was, it was also verification that I am on the right path.
I recently cancelled a 40th birthday trip with girlfriends to an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. I know that this would be nothing but a booze-fest, and my chances of enjoying myself alcohol free were slim to none. I feel good about my decision and have decided instead to go somewhere with my daughter.
I'm still plugging along, feeling pretty good, with no plans of drinking anytime soon...One day at a time is all we can really count on. Today I am choosing sobriety.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
gentleness and peace
I don't know if this has anything to do with my newfound sobriety or not, but today I noticed the way I talk to myself. I was doing this super intense exercise class that was WAAAAYYY too hard for me (I didn't realize what class I was going to, thinking it was going to be a nice Zumba class) and I was struggling with almost all of the exercises. At the end of the class I was so frustrated and I felt like crying. Thoughts of "You are no good, you are so stupid, you are so dumb, you are a fat ass" ran through my head. Why would I talk to myself like that? I would never talk to anyone like that no matter how much I might dislike them...so, why then, do I think it's okay to talk to myself like that?
Today's meditation from The Language of Letting Go was very timely for me. "Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace." I've been having a really difficult time of things lately on all fronts - work (my principal is INSANE and seems to have it in for me), sobriety and loneliness- and when asked what I really want in life by those trying to advise or help me, my answer has been "peace". I am realizing that I probably have to be at peace with myself before I can have peace in my life, and I'm thinking the first step of that is probably not being so mean to myself.
I've also (Still) been questioning my path and alcohol issues (I know any regular readers are probably like "come on already!"). My most recent thoughts are "Maybe you are just crazy, it's not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just the stress in your life <insert said insane principal, single mom and PhD student>, not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just that you're lonely, it's not a drinking problem". But - Somewhere from deep within, my soul answers, maybe it's all those things that have brought you right where you need to be...finding my way, learning to love myself and be the best version of me that I can be.
Today's meditation from The Language of Letting Go was very timely for me. "Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace." I've been having a really difficult time of things lately on all fronts - work (my principal is INSANE and seems to have it in for me), sobriety and loneliness- and when asked what I really want in life by those trying to advise or help me, my answer has been "peace". I am realizing that I probably have to be at peace with myself before I can have peace in my life, and I'm thinking the first step of that is probably not being so mean to myself.
I've also (Still) been questioning my path and alcohol issues (I know any regular readers are probably like "come on already!"). My most recent thoughts are "Maybe you are just crazy, it's not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just the stress in your life <insert said insane principal, single mom and PhD student>, not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just that you're lonely, it's not a drinking problem". But - Somewhere from deep within, my soul answers, maybe it's all those things that have brought you right where you need to be...finding my way, learning to love myself and be the best version of me that I can be.
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