gentleness and peace

I don't know if this has anything to do with my newfound sobriety or not, but today I noticed the way I talk to myself.  I was doing this super intense exercise class that was WAAAAYYY too hard for me (I didn't realize what class I was going to, thinking it was going to be a nice Zumba class) and I was struggling with almost all of the exercises. At the end of the class I was so frustrated and I felt like crying.  Thoughts of "You are no good, you are so stupid, you are so dumb, you are a fat ass" ran through my head.  Why would I talk to myself like that?  I would never talk to anyone like that no matter how much I might dislike them...so, why then, do I think it's okay to talk to myself like that?

Today's meditation from The Language of Letting Go was very timely for me.  "Go easy.  You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard.  Go in gentleness, go in peace."  I've been having a really difficult time of things lately on all fronts - work (my principal is INSANE and seems to have it in for me), sobriety and loneliness- and when asked what I really want in life by those trying to advise or help me, my answer has been "peace".  I am realizing that I probably have to be at peace with myself before I can have peace in my life, and I'm thinking the first step of that is probably not being so mean to myself.

I've also (Still) been questioning my path and alcohol issues (I know any regular readers are probably like "come on already!").  My most recent thoughts are "Maybe you are just crazy, it's not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just the stress in your life <insert said insane principal, single mom and PhD student>, not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just that you're lonely, it's not a drinking problem".  But - Somewhere from deep within, my soul answers, maybe it's all those things that have brought you right where you need to be...finding my way, learning to love myself and be the best version of me that I can be.