40 days and 40 nights

Today marks day 40.  I went to my usual Friday night AA meeting and I spoke!  I think I may have very well sounded like a blubbering, rambling fool but I spoke and <gasp> said the dreaded words...I am an alcoholic.

Today's meeting was focused on step 1 (admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable), and in true to form, God sent me to that meeting to hear a message I needed.  I shared that I had been struggling with identifying as an alcoholic and that I had been listening in meetings for the differences between me and those that spoke, thinking "well, I never did that, so I'm okay".  I shared how I had been trying to understand my drinking problem, but couldn't quite wrap my head around it, that I wanted to find someone who was just like me, but I couldn't - I told them that my life wasn't unmanageable (with the exception of the times alcohol was involved) and that I was actually quite successful, but that I had gotten tired of living a double life (professional educator by day, drunken fool by night).  At least, this is what I intended to express, but I think it may have sounded something like, "well, um, I like really have been struggling with this, you know, like trying to understand, um where I um am with this whole thing"...

The words of the man who spoke next resonated with me.  He said that for him, step one was about surrender, and that surrender just means you are tired of fighting.  And fighting is exactly what I have been trying to do, trying to control and manipulate this situation onto my terms with my semantics, things like "I may have a drinking problem, but I'm not an alcoholic."  He also said that no two people's paths were the same, that we all had our own roads to travel and that all he could do was share his experience.

The leader in the meeting also shared another great point, that acceptance doesn't mean you like something, it just means it's there.  Like if you have a broken leg, you don't have to like it, but you accept it as a fact.

I talked to a couple of girls at the meeting, both of whom texted me this evening, saying how good it was to see me and how nice to meet me, and to call them if I needed anything, which is so nice and so humbling, that someone who barely knows me would be willing to open themselves up to me.  One girl invited me to this young person's meeting tomorrow night (although I'm not quite sure I qualify at 40), where they are having some sort of party afterwards, and I think I just may go.

It's taken me 40 days to get to this point (plus a couple of years prior of contemplating and failed attempts at sobriety) to be able to say that I am an alcoholic.  I think it's something that I need to say frequently to continue to accept it.