Friday, January 30, 2015

Which came first, the drinking or the stress? (much like the chicken or the egg debate)

I'm at 21 days now, and I'm wondering is my drinking a product of the stress in my life, or is it an issue that exists solely in and of itself?

I've always like to drink...the fun, the freedom, the release.  I never really worried about it being that much of a problem before my divorce.  I was probably just truly a social drinker.  When I drank socially, sometimes I did drink too much (or at least as much as those around me), but many times I didn't.

I think my slippery slope really started when I got separated about 5 1/2 years ago.  Suddenly I was thrust into a world where I was solely responsible for managing a house, a yard, the bills that go with both and being a heartbroken part-time parent to my then just turned 3 year old daughter.  I learned about the $400 utility bills that come with an 80+ year old house, the rodents that like to make nocturnal visits in the evening to said older homes, leaving their calling cards in drawers and on shelves, and I learned more than I ever care to about maintaining a yard.

This learning coincided with  navigating a newly single social life and the dating that is part and parcel of it.  Many "couple" friendships fell by the wayside, and many friends and family members who I thought would be supportive weren't.   Then there was struggle of being a part-time single parent. The difficulty of doing it on my own, the sadness when separated from my daughter tinged with slight relief at the break but compounded at guilt over feeling relief.

Mix all of this in with a hefty dose of loneliness and you have a perfect recipe for single mom stress and sadness.

Never one to take the easy path, I decided that in order to carve out a better path for myself and my daughter I would get my doctorate.  This added a whole new level of stress.

Reflecting back, this has me wondering if my drinking escalated as a product of my stress/life situation, or if it was always there lurking and would have reared it's ugly head one way or another.  Now this isn't to say that I was feeling sad or stressed every time I drank, but drinking did prove to be an effective, efficient and relatively inexpensive way to have fun and take a vacation from my life (as opposed to let's say a Caribbean vacation).

I'm wondering if I wouldn't have the drinking problem if I control the stress in my life?

I'd love to get any thoughts and feedback!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Trick(y things in my life right now) or treat(s for not drinking)

Trick(y things in my life right now)

About five minutes ago (approximately 4:30 pm East Coast time), I found myself hiding in the corner of my kitchen eating chocolate cake so that my daughter would not see me.  I cut myself a decent size slice and then had to go back and even up the edges... of course the cake has to be even!  It has nothing to do with me wanting a bit more!

I just got an email from match.com, offering to "Let a pro write your profile.  Our top-notch writers can make your personality shine.  Make your profile more appealing."  So apparently Match.com recognizes that I am in a dating slump - this could be a new low for me.  I then tried to persuade my daughter to take pictures of me playfully about to bite a tortilla chip, or with my hand on my hip (which was shifted to the side ever so slightly) as I grinned over my shoulder, so that I could add some pizazz to my profile pictures.  Apparently my daughter, who did not know my ulterior motive for said photos, did not think they were apropos, as she asks me if I was trying to scar her for life.

Yesterday, my dumb ass ex husband told me that he let his 12 year old step daughter take our 8 year old daughter and her 8 year old step brother to the movies...without consulting me first.  This really pissed me off, as I don't think it was a wise choice (I guess I am conservative and perhaps over protective as a parent) and I felt like he should have at least talked to me first.

This weekend, a friend of mine from high school is having her 40th birthday weekend with a bunch of girls from high school and college.  I will not be going for two reasons - first reason - I need to work on getting ready for comps exam and preparing for dissertation, and two - I am not drinking.  I feel as if I am in a strange no where land...kind of wanting to go, but kind of glad I'm not.  I know that I am doing the right thing for me, but I can't help but to feel as if I am missing out.

But, the good news about all of these tricky things in my life is that I am still not drinking and I am still breathing.






Treat(s for not drinking)

So Belle, who is running the 100 day sober challenge, in which I am participating, sent me my first homework assignment. This assignment was the kind of work that I can get into.  I was to compile a list of treats that I can use to reward myself every two days for not drinking.  Here is the list that I have come up with thus far:


  • new herbal or green tea K-cups ( I have decided to become a tea drinker in the evening)
  • Either sugar cubes or some kind of cute honey to sweeten said tea
  • Coffee mugs (in which aforementioned tea will be consumed)
  • scented lotion
  • scented Body wash
  • celebrity gossip magazine (People or Us weekly)
  • Cute new cup (preferably with a lid and ideally with a built in infuser) out of which I can drink non-alcoholic beverages
  • Tervis Tumbler
  • chocolate bar from Whole Foods (they have chocolate raspberry and chocolate orange - yummo!)
  • new ebook on sober life on iPad
Do any of you use sober treats to reward yourself?  If so, to what have you treated yourself?

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Navigatin' Datin' and Musins on Abusin' (alcohol)

Second post for the day...soooo, earlier, I wrote about how good I felt being sober - six hours later I am going to write and tell you that commitment is not that strong.  While perusing the aisles of the local Wal-Mart in an attempt to complete my weekly grocery shopping, I spotted a bottle of Chocovine. For those of you who have not had this delicious concoction, you don't know what you are missing out on (and if you are reading this - you probably will never know - sorry, just saying').  Upon spotting, this delectable treasure, my mind started to wander...OMG, Chocovine. I love Chocovine. It tastes just like Bailey's. How can I never have Chocovine again?  What kind of world is this without Chocovine? (Forget the fact that I haven't had this beverage in two years and probably haven't thought of it since, but thinking that I now may not ever be able to have it again, well, now that's problematic).

Then my commitment was really tested this evening when I logged onto Match.com.  (For whatever reason, I have joined Match, and have not had any luck to speak of- honestly probably the worst luck of my dating life. I think that my repeated joining/ deleting my profile has saturated the online dating market, thusly causing me to lose my appeal, but anywho, that's a whole other story for a whole other blog - dating drama (or lack thereof) of the single mom. )  Tonight, I spotted a profile of a man that looks right up my alley - a little bit stocky, tall (isn), dark hair and eyes, a liberal PhD, but he drinks moderately!  Now  in Match land, moderately is a step above social drinking, think, this person is a serious drinker, they are in essence admitting that they are not merely a social drinker.  This profile sent my mind spinning into the crazy land of what if? What if he asked me out on a date?  What if he wanted to order a fine bottle of wine?  What if he wanted to get in a jacuzzi with a bottle of champagne? (that's a stretch I know) What if he wanted to drink beers on a boat? (prompted by one of his profile pics) What if he wanted to drink chocovine? (I have to bring it full circle here) What if? What if? What if?

These are just the questions prompted by viewing a profile.  Creating my profile, rendered me with a whole other host of questions?  What do I put down for drinking?  Do I say "never" - no, then people might identify me as a holy rolling teetotaler, which as I think I have proven in previous posts, I am definitely not.  Do I put down "socially",  despite the fact that I'm currently not drinking?  Do I leave it blank and be super enigmatic? What to do? What to do?


Before, you all recommend that I seek psychiatric help for my out of control mind, I have a takeaway...to just be in the moment, and get out of my head, because in the moment, as long as I'm breathing, I'm doing all right.

Alas, dear reader(s), I shall leave you with another dose of pinspiration....who am I kidding??? This is for me :)


100 Day Challenge

I am taking control of my life and relinquishing control that I never had.

Pinspiration #1:



I just got registered for Belle's 100 day challenge.  Below is a copy of my pledge:

I will not drink for 100 days.  No matter what.  I can cry, but I will not drink.  I can go to bed or go home early.  I might feel distressed... but I will not drink.  Bad things might happen, but I will not drink.  Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend's friend's grandmother.  But there will be no booze.  Funerals? Weddings?  Amputation?  I'm not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens... no matter what.

My last drink was Friday January 9, 2015, so this is my day 16.

Here's to changing my life for the better:

Pinspiration #2


The funny thing is, since recommitting myself to sobriety (it feels weird to say that word), I have felt this strange new emotion...pride.  Interesting that my great job, master's degree and doctoral level classes haven't given me the same feeling of pride that 16 little days of sobriety have.

It's nice to talk to someone, (namely a non-drinker) without wondering if they are on to your dirty little secret.  Can they Tell that I was shitfaced this weekend?  Do they know I drive drunk sometimes? Do they know that I smoke cigarettes when I'm drunk?  Do they know I engage strangers in witty and charming conversation while intoxicated? (read that one sarcastically) Do they know that I had sex with a 28 year old redneck?  Do they know? Do they know? Do they know?  

It is nice not to feel like I am hiding anything.  It is nice not to feel like I am living 2 different lives.  Think elementary school educator by day, aging party girl by night. It is nice not to feel shame.  It is nice not to feel guilt.  It is nice.

I'm beginning to like this thing called sobriety.  It is nice.

Friday, January 23, 2015

AA? Do I have to say the "A Word"?

So, this post is going to be full of questions for which I would love, love, love to get input!

I have struggled with the idea of AA and going to meetings.  I kind of want to go, but these are the things that are holding me back from attending.


  • Do I have to identify as an "alcoholic" to go to AA?  Like, I have absolutely no intention of ever getting in front of a room and saying, "hi my name is----- and I'm an alcoholic."
  • Do I have to have already committed myself to the idea of not drinking forever to go to AA?  (or is this one of those things that you work out along the way?)
  • Would I be accepted in AA?  (for example, I have been before, but didn't feel like my story was as "bad" as those of the others that I heard  - I've never been a daily drinker, still have a good job, never gotten arrested (Thank you God!) - but I guess the reason I want to go is that I worry one day my luck could run out.

I would love any and all input/thoughts/ comments on AA.

Thanks!

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Calgon, take me away!

So today, right now, I am wanting a drink in a bad kind of way...I am so irritable - I took the car to the dealership and had to pay $275 to have them tell me that I need to put $4400 into the car to get this ten year old vehicle up to snuff.  Three syllables - what-ev-a.  I will be taking car to my mechanic on Monday to see what he says - I only paid $5000 for car, so I'm certainly not going to put that kind of money into it (Thank God for student loan refund checks, because otherwise I wouldn't have any extra money at all).

THEN, to add insult to injury, my nightly treats of Trader Joes chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels and marshmallows have added some inches to my waistline and I look like I am sporting a 5 to 6 month pregnancy belly.  I mean, GD, if I'm not going to be drinking alcohol at least I should fucking be skinny, right?!

What I would really like to do is have a couple of drinks, get fuzzy and say "Fuck it" to everything.

Oh, and did I mention that I still have not taken down my Christmas decorations????!! Yes, that's right people, it is January 21st and I still have Christmas shit up, aaaannd, my condo is bordering looking like it needs to be on an episode of Hoarders.

The piece(s) de resistance (think en francaise - I'm sure that phrase is not spelled right) is the shit ton of stuff I need to get done at work, but can't do, because I am always at a training or in a fucking meeting, coupled with the work I need to do for my advanced qualitative research class, and the work I need to do to prep for my comps exam. Oh, and I can't figure out how to get to my dvr recordings on my AT &T uverse box, so I haven't been able to see any of my reality tv (Vanderpump Rules, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Millionaire Matchmaker - seriously, what was life like before Bravo?)

FUCK.MY.LIFE  (not really - I kind of have guilt already over writing that, because I know that relatively speaking my life is so much better than many people, and many would beg for my problems over what they are faced with.)

#Firstworldwhitegirlproblems

Calgon, take me away.

Friday, January 16, 2015

EPIPHANY!

I just finished writing one post and am going straight into another.  In my last post I mentioned an article from mind body green that lists three questions to ask yourself about your drinking.  The last question was, "What kind of people do you attract when you drink?"  I want to further elaborate on my answer to this question, as I think this incident and it's aftermath may have been my true bottom.

So, in a previous post, I mentioned my liaison (that makes it sound classy, right?) with 28 year old country boy...okay, let's be honest here, country boy is being nice - he was a redneck.  Weeellll, the parts I failed to mention are that he is a convicted felon, arrested for arms trafficking, oh yea and he had (or has - hell if I know) a girlfriend.  Ok, as we like to say in academia, let's bracket out the important terms CONVICTED FELON  and ARMS TRAFFICKING.  What the Fuck?!?!  Then there is the redneck girlfriend to contend with  - nothing like having a 22 year old girl call/text your 40 year old ass to find out with the deal is with you and her boyfriend.  As I sit here and type this out now, I know that absolutely no part of that is okay.  Not the drunken phone calls from country boy, not his request for me to talk dirty to him on the phone, not his plea for me to pick him up from a rodeo (did I actually just type rodeo???) in another town.

It was kind of a funny story to tell to my friends for a while...the escapades of a single mom, but now as I sit here typing it out and seeing it in black and white, with a mind free of alcohol for 7 days now, I can't believe it. That is not me, that was not me, but it was.  That was me drinking, and that was who I attracted into my life.

I'm not going to shame myself about it, but I am going to face it.

I have a problem with alcohol.

Friday Night Writes

Several different topics for musing tonight...  First, I met with my dissertation chair this evening and neither cried, nor acted like a hormonal teenager swooning with infatuation over him (how cliche, I know...grad student crush on professor).  I can't help but to think this is due in part to my taking ownership of my life (i.e, facing up to drinking issues <especially coming clean to non-drinking therapist>, abstaining, and actually delving into the work of my dissertation).  I know it is silly, but I felt so proud walking away from that meeting this afternoon (Backstory to give context to my pride -  I have full on cried the last two times I met with said professor, and have also teared up on several other occasions; when not crying or becoming teary eyed, I oscillate to the other extreme of acting like a giddy high school girl giggling at his witty anecdotes and charming him with my scholarly wit - can you say #winning?)

I want to share links to two articles I found this evening.  The CNN article   discusses the health effects (positive and negative) of alcohol.  The article states moderate drinking for women is no more than a glass a day.  I don't know about you, but I call that mild drinking - moderate to me would be more like 2 -3 adult beverages daily.  The piece that stuck with me was about the negative effects of binge drinking (Defined as four of more drinks for women)..."researchers discovered binge drinkers had bacterial DNA in their bloodstreams, which was a sign bacteria had leaked out from the gut.  They also discovered elevated endotoxin presence in the blood, which meant toxins had been released from cells after cell walls were damaged by booze.  The consequences: These toxins could lead to fever, tissue destruction and inflammation, which is tied to a host of health problems from cancer to depression."

The second article is from MindBodyGreen and lists three questions to ask yourself about your drinking.  Questions are below with my italicized answer following
1- How do you feel after a night of drinking? two words - like shit
2- Are you trying to "achieve" something by drinking? yes - sometimes to relieve social anxiety, sometimes just to have fun and sometimes to take a vacation from myself
3- What kind of people do you attract when drinking? ummmm - probably not the best quality - flashback to previous post on cute 28 year old country boy - I don't think I mentioned that he was arrested for gun trafficking - Good Lord- what the hell was I thinking?!?!



Thursday, January 15, 2015

Coming Clean

Weeeellll...today I went to see my therapist who I've been seeing for the past 7 years or so.  I started seeing her with my now ex-husband for marriage counseling.  While my relationship with my husband did not last, my relationship with my counselor has remained steady.

Today I finally really told her about my drinking history.  If she did not already think that I was completely bonkers, I feel fairly certain that she does now.  I actually went through my blog and recounted my rock bottoms and recent drinking history with her.  She knew some of it, but not nearly all of it, nor did she know the extent of it (the drunk driving, my intoxicated infatuation with cigarette smoking).

The whole process of "coming clean" was kind of illuminative.  I don't talk about my drinking habit with non-drinkers, and sharing that information with (who I assume to be) a religious non-drinker was slightly more than mildly uncomfortable, and made me realize that yes, my drinking has been problematic.

Since restarting, after my slip around my 40th birthday festivities, I am 6 days alcohol free, and still completely unsure of where I am going with all of this...one day at a time I guess.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I'm back and oops I did it again

Well, I may have fallen off the wagon.  Okay, I did fall off the wagon. I decided, I don't have a drinking problem, and I even went as far as to remove my blog.  In an effort to be honest and forthright, with myself if no one else, I have reposted blog.... Here is a recounting of my fall.

You may or may not remember from previous posts my hemming and hawing about whether or not I should drink prior to my trip to visit my dad, where I would celebrate New Years Eve AND my 40th birthday!  Well, I made it through New Year's Eve just fine, but I caved the next day.  My dad was fixing bloody marys for everyone and I said "Fuck it - I'm having one".  I didn't want to feel deprived and draw attention to my not drinking.  So, I had a bloody mary and I was very conscientious of it, afraid to give into the release.  I think I had two glasses of wine that night - nothing out of control.  The next day was similar - probably two or three glasses of wine starting with dinner and throughout the evening...nothing eventful to speak of.  The next day was my 40th birthday and I did consume a bit more - We started with champagne - and then it was just kind of like all bets are off for me - I had a few glasses of champagne (not sure how many, but they were small glasses - like maybe 4 oz.) and then wine with dinner.  That night I just drank however much I wanted with out worrying about it, and it was fine enough I guess - I didn't make an ass of myself (at least to my knowledge), I stopped drinking before bed and had some water, definitely didn't smoke cigarettes as that might cause my dad and stepmom to hyperventilate and freak the F out.  I ended my return venture into drinking this past Friday night with my friends.  Honestly I really didn't even feel like going out after being tired from going back to work all week (teachers have a tough life - I mean two weeks off at Christmas and then going back to work!)  Anywho, I went out for drinks and dinner with my friends at one place, then we went to two other bars, I had 8 drinks over the course of 7 hours, and never really felt drunk - a drink an hour isn't bad right?  But 8 drinks in a night seems like a lot!  I had two cigarettes that night, braving the frigid temps to get my fix.

The next day (yesterday) I was pretty much a sloth.  I didn't feel bad, but I took 2 Looooooong naps and according to my Fitbit I took just under 5,000 steps under half of where I should be and usually am.  I ate like a pig and was fairly disgusted with myself.  I decided ONCE AGAIN, that it just isn't worth it for me.  I am tired of feeling gross and disgusted with myself.

So, today, I went to hot yoga and decided that rather then focusing on what I don't want (me being a drunken fool), I am going to put my energy and attention on building and becoming the person I want to be.  This person is healthy, fit, productive, kind, loving, and SOBER!

I leave you all today with a little piece of pinspiration...