Thursday, May 12, 2016

A year and some odd months later...

Well, according to my AA app I have been sober 13.85 months...crazy, huh?!  It has really been a journey.  I really haven't been doing AA so much anymore - I'm kind of trying to find my own path.  I'm not gonna lie, I sometimes want to drink again to see if I can do it without being a raving drunken lunatic.  I miss the fun (when it was) and the comradery that comes from drinking and the relaxation...I still haven't found anything quite as great as that deep relaxation that comes after a little wine.  But, surprisingly enough when I allow myself to think, "ok, you can give it a go again if you want", I usually find my internal response to be "naw, I'm good for today"...I guess that is the just of one day at a time.

I do feel like I know myself much better know and that I am much more comfortable in my own skin.  I am able to observe my feelings more rather than trying to escape them.  Last night I went to a painting party with a bunch of girls that in a past life would have intimidated me greatly...cute, thin, rich, married...everything I am currently not.  But I found myself slightly judging them, I think based on my own insecurity, and I was able to bring it back to the present moment and recognize that my insecurity was causing my judgement, and then I could just be more present and look at these ladies for the individuals they are...I'm no sure if I would have done this a year ago.

Things that are different now from last March:

* I don't have the guilt that would come after a round of binge drinking
* I am more comfortable with myself
* I don't have the anxiety I had before
* I know myself more (for better or for worse - I realize now just how compulsive/impulsive I am)
* I have a MUCH closer connection to God
* My relationship with my mom is a lot better
* Other relationships aren't as great as I thought they were
* I don't socialize nearly as much as I did
* Probably a better mom, although I still need to work on being more present

So, my questions to you dear readers are this...

Has anyone ever stopped drinking for an extended period of time and gone back to it?  Did you pick up right where you left off?  And then on the flip side, how do you keep sober after an extended period of not drinking when that craving hits you?