Mad at myself for drinking so much...worried about the texts sent to Match man (he initiated texts, but I was much "wittier" than I would have been sober - ugh - at least he doesn't know me well enough to know how crazy I really am). Disappointed in myself - what kind of mom am I? I have THE best daughter in the world and I act like an idiot - I want better for her.
I remember the tipping point yesterday - right after that second glass of wine, pouring myself another, and it was game on.
I wanted to check out, and I did.
Only now, I have to check back in and deal with...
the aftermath
-shame
-disappointment
-anger at myself
-embarassment (my "witty" banter with Match man)
-knowing I won't do what I need to do today (go to gym, do quality school work)
-physically feeling like crap
ugh
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
As simple as that...
This post may not be what you thought it would be...
As I type this, I am drunk... my fingers stumbling over the keys...intoxicated...frequently backspacing and deleting errors I don't intend...
One week ago, I had a date with the man I mentioned previously in my posts... dark skinned, intellectual, handsome - I had two beers. Tonight, I have had one bottle of wine, 5 beers, and another 2 glasses of wine.
I am fucking tired of it all. I am tired of being the sole breadwinner. I am tired of working full time. I am tired of trying to better myself.
so...
as simple as that,
I check in on my daughter to make sure that she is asleeep soundly in her bed (she is)
I light a cigarette off my smooth top stove (because the one lighter I can find isn't working, nearly burning my fingers in the process)
I call my dog onto the screened in porch (so that I can write with her out here)
I find my functioning lighter in the pack of cigarettes I have been smoking
I type these words
I check out
I check in
with whoever reads these posts...
I am tired...
of being the sole breadwinner
of getting my doctorate
of being responsible
I am...
me
trying my best
to do what's right
and live a life
that is better for me and my daughter
as simple as that, I am drunk, checked out and the most content I have content in this moment than I have been in all my previous moments of sobriety...
simple as that
As I type this, I am drunk... my fingers stumbling over the keys...intoxicated...frequently backspacing and deleting errors I don't intend...
One week ago, I had a date with the man I mentioned previously in my posts... dark skinned, intellectual, handsome - I had two beers. Tonight, I have had one bottle of wine, 5 beers, and another 2 glasses of wine.
I am fucking tired of it all. I am tired of being the sole breadwinner. I am tired of working full time. I am tired of trying to better myself.
so...
as simple as that,
I check in on my daughter to make sure that she is asleeep soundly in her bed (she is)
I light a cigarette off my smooth top stove (because the one lighter I can find isn't working, nearly burning my fingers in the process)
I call my dog onto the screened in porch (so that I can write with her out here)
I find my functioning lighter in the pack of cigarettes I have been smoking
I type these words
I check out
I check in
with whoever reads these posts...
I am tired...
of being the sole breadwinner
of getting my doctorate
of being responsible
I am...
me
trying my best
to do what's right
and live a life
that is better for me and my daughter
as simple as that, I am drunk, checked out and the most content I have content in this moment than I have been in all my previous moments of sobriety...
simple as that
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