Tuesday, February 17, 2015

As simple as that...

This post may not be what you thought it would be...

As I type this, I am drunk... my fingers stumbling over the keys...intoxicated...frequently backspacing and deleting errors I don't intend...

One week ago, I had a date with the man I mentioned previously in my posts... dark skinned, intellectual, handsome - I had two beers.  Tonight, I have had one bottle of wine, 5 beers, and another 2 glasses of wine.

I am fucking tired of it all. I am tired of being the sole breadwinner. I am tired of working full time. I am tired of trying to better myself.

so...

as simple as that,


I check in on my daughter to make sure that she is asleeep soundly in her bed (she is)

I light a cigarette off my smooth top stove (because the one lighter I can find isn't working, nearly burning my fingers in the process)

I call my dog onto the screened in porch (so that I can write with her out here)

I find my functioning lighter in the pack of cigarettes I have been smoking

I type these words

I check out

I check in

with whoever reads these posts...

I am tired...

of being the sole breadwinner

of getting my doctorate

of being responsible


I am...


me

trying my best

to do what's right

and live a life

that is better for me and my daughter

as simple as that, I am drunk, checked out and the most content I have content in this moment than I have been in all my previous moments of sobriety...

simple as that


1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry you are struggling. Things will get better if you din't drink. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. You can do this. Be kind to yourself. We all fall, its just important that we get back up. I know how you are feeling, believe me.

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