Right now I am in a place where nothing seems to fit quite right (literally and figuratively). Literally, as discussed in my previous post, due to my massive weight gain, and figuratively, meaning my coping mechanisms and relationships. My therapist (and psychic - but that's a whole other blog post :) both said that this is because I am in a period of growth, where the old doesn't quite fit any more and I haven't found my new normal.
I feel as if I'm traveling along, trying to find my way, and a place where I "fit", all the while feeling like it sure is a lonely path. I haven't really seen any of my "friends" much recently, as happy hour invites seem to have diminished to nil. Now, I'm not sure if that's due to the fact that I was the one doing the inviting, or if these meetings are still occurring, but it's just that they are happening unbeknownst to me.
I've gone to AA meetings, but I just don't feel like I quite fit in there either. I don't know if its because I feel like I'm not "as bad" as "those people", or if I'm realizing that I don't really have the greatest toolbox for meeting and mingling with people sober. Somewhere along the way in my drinking days, I seem to have forgotten, that I actually am an introverted and reserved person. When I was drinking, this was covered in bravado, and a false facade of outgoing loudness, because, this is what I felt I "should" be. I'm remembering how I used to feel waaaaay back in high school before I started drinking regularly...shy, insecure, and not sure how to approach people...hell, I'm not just remembering it, I'm reliving it, right now!
Support from my family is a slightly laughable concept. My mom, somehow has time for a myriad of activities, such as dinner groups, bridge, tennis, the gym, an odd sport called "pickle ball" (again, a topic for a whole other blog post), yet can't seem to find the time to know that I am taking my Comps Exam for my PhD this Monday, despite the fact that I've told her this repeatedly. My dad is living in another state with his family #2, and brother is busy with his own family.
It's just so lonely...which is one of the reasons I drank...dealing with the loneliness and the sadness, and now, without a drink, I'm left here sitting with these not so fun feelings.
Well, now that I have unloaded all of this cheeriness ;) on you, I must go...studying for Comps Exam beckons.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Weight Struggles...ugh!
This post isn't directly related to alcohol, but I think in some ways it indirectly is, as I feel that I have turned to food as my new coping mechanism (not that I didn't use it before, but now I have kicked it into high gear).
I got on the scale this evening and I am SHOCKED by how much weight I have gained! I mean damn, if I'm not going to be drinking, the least I could do is lose some freaking weight! I way almost as much as I did when I was pregnant, AND to add insult to injury, I have gained probably15 pounds in the last 5 - 6 months, in addition to the 30 some odd pounds I have gained over the past couple of years....can you say OUT OF CONTROL???!
I just joined Weight Watchers and signed up for this new online coaching thing that they have. I have lost a significant amount of weight with them in the past, and hope I can do so again.
It's just such a pisser, to put it bluntly. I'm lonely, I'm stressed, and food has been my comfort and stress reliever. I know it's not healthy, but it's the truth. I guess the blessing in this is that I am finally facing up to the truth and that's the only way I can move forward.
How can I be happy with myself in the moment and not beat myself up, when I am so disgusted with what the scale says?
How did I let myself get to this point? Am I blind? Am I walking around disgusting people with the presence of my fat ass? I don't think of myself as a fatty, but in reality that's what I am right now.
I guess it's a lot like my issues with alcohol...I was in denial about that for a while, and I have been in denial about my food issues for a while. Time to get real and deal with another issue. ugh.
I got on the scale this evening and I am SHOCKED by how much weight I have gained! I mean damn, if I'm not going to be drinking, the least I could do is lose some freaking weight! I way almost as much as I did when I was pregnant, AND to add insult to injury, I have gained probably15 pounds in the last 5 - 6 months, in addition to the 30 some odd pounds I have gained over the past couple of years....can you say OUT OF CONTROL???!
I just joined Weight Watchers and signed up for this new online coaching thing that they have. I have lost a significant amount of weight with them in the past, and hope I can do so again.
It's just such a pisser, to put it bluntly. I'm lonely, I'm stressed, and food has been my comfort and stress reliever. I know it's not healthy, but it's the truth. I guess the blessing in this is that I am finally facing up to the truth and that's the only way I can move forward.
How can I be happy with myself in the moment and not beat myself up, when I am so disgusted with what the scale says?
How did I let myself get to this point? Am I blind? Am I walking around disgusting people with the presence of my fat ass? I don't think of myself as a fatty, but in reality that's what I am right now.
I guess it's a lot like my issues with alcohol...I was in denial about that for a while, and I have been in denial about my food issues for a while. Time to get real and deal with another issue. ugh.
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