Nothing fits

Right now I am in a place where nothing seems to fit quite right (literally and figuratively).  Literally, as discussed in my previous post, due to my massive weight gain, and figuratively, meaning my coping mechanisms and relationships.  My therapist (and psychic - but that's a whole other blog post :) both said that this is because I am in a period of growth, where the old doesn't quite fit any more and I haven't found my new normal.

I feel as if  I'm traveling along, trying to find my way, and a place where I "fit", all the while feeling like it sure is a lonely path.  I haven't really seen any of my "friends" much recently, as happy hour invites seem to have diminished to nil.  Now, I'm not sure if that's due to the fact that I was the one doing the inviting, or if these meetings are still occurring, but it's  just that they are happening unbeknownst to me.

I've gone to AA meetings, but I just don't feel like I quite fit in there either.  I don't know if its because I feel like I'm not "as bad" as "those people", or if I'm realizing that I don't really have the greatest toolbox for meeting and mingling with people sober.  Somewhere along the way in my drinking days, I seem to have forgotten, that I actually am an introverted and reserved person.  When I was drinking, this was covered in bravado, and a false facade of outgoing loudness, because, this is what I felt I "should" be.  I'm remembering how I used to feel waaaaay back in high school before I started drinking regularly...shy, insecure, and not sure how to approach people...hell, I'm not just remembering it, I'm reliving it, right now!

Support from my family is a slightly laughable concept.  My mom, somehow has time for a myriad of activities, such as dinner groups, bridge, tennis, the gym, an odd sport called "pickle ball" (again, a topic for a whole other blog post), yet can't seem to find the time to know that I am taking my Comps Exam for my PhD this Monday, despite the fact that I've told her this repeatedly.  My dad is living in another state with his family #2, and brother is busy with his own family.

It's just so lonely...which is one of the reasons I drank...dealing with the loneliness and the sadness, and now, without a drink, I'm left here sitting with these not so fun feelings.

Well, now that I have unloaded all of this cheeriness ;) on you, I must go...studying for Comps Exam beckons.