Acceptance

Tonight I went to another AA meeting.  It was huge - people broke into several different rooms based on the steps.  I went to the steps one and two room.  In the meeting a lot of what I heard was foreign to me, but some was not. I was able to identify with a couple of the speakers -one guy talked about how he loved how alcohol made him feel from the minute he began to the last time they slapped the cuffs on him.  (well, helloooo????Who doesn't love how it makes them feel - I guess "normies"?)  Another girl shared how she tended to replace her drinking issues with other concerns to try to change her situation or how she feels  (insert shopping, eating too much, eating too little)

This has gotten me to thinking about the first step that I am powerless over alcohol.  I know this is probably the case, but it is sooooooo stinking difficult to truly admit that.  Sometimes I can control, except for when I can't, and the problem is that I am not really able to predict when I will or won't be in control, so I guess that means I'm not in control, which means I'm powerless over it...but does being powerless over alcohol mean that I am an alcoholic??? I am really struggling with the idea of saying "Hi my name is _____, and I'm an alcoholic."  I guess because, in my mind, if I say that the jig is really up, and maybe I'm still holding out hope that it will change.  One thing that makes me think maybe I am okay, is that all of my friends drink...some maybe even more than me, and some less, but all drink a good bit.  As I'm reflecting on this though, I think I have to consider the broader spectrum of people out there, and that my friends and I may be a minority and that like tends to attract like...big drinkers hang out with other big drinkers....so, I guess that's really not that good of a reason to think I don't have a problem.

I do however, have several reasons to quit.

• My almost 9 year old daughter - I really want to set a positive example for her, and she is old enough to be catching on to my shenanigans
• It's catching up to me...I have had this sneaking suspicion in the back of my head that alcohol and I are in a race, and that I have been ahead of it for a while, but it is rapidly catching up with me...I don't want it to catch up with me and have to face negative consequences
• I want to live one integrated life...I have felt tired of living dual lives (teacher by day, drunken lunatic by night)
• Not feeling the shame, anxiety and guilt that come with a binge
• Being more even keeled
• Long term health benefits 

So, I guess I will keep doing what I'm doing and working on acceptance.  Hopefully this time it will stick.