ramblings

Well, I made it about a month and had another blowout Thursday night to the tune of 1/2 a bottle of prosecco (oh one glass of which had a shot of St. Germain - I never said I was a cheap drunk), a bottle of red wine, and because all of the wine was gone, three beers.  Oh yes, let me not leave out the pack of cigarettes that I consumed.  Did I forget to say that this was all by myself??? I Facebook messaged a friend I haven't talked to in over a year to say that I would love to go to the beach with her and her family this summer if they vacation this way (WTF???I would never invite myself along sober).  I called my ex-boyfriend and asked him what what wrong in our relationship (ugh - I'm sure I was slurring at this point in time - I remember being cognizant of that). I was able to make it to work on Friday and despite a bit of an upset stomach, function quite effectively for the amount of alcohol consumed the night prior.

This has me wondering if anyone really knows how much I drink?  No, it might not be every day, but my binges seem bigger and possibly more problematic.  I know I can function with out alcohol, and sometimes manage it quite effectively, except for when I don't, when I use it to escape.  I can pretty much pinpoint the feeling I have when I know I am going to get f'd up... the feeling of release - needing to let go and forget about everything.

Okay, so back to question - who knows how much I drink?  Honestly, probably only two friends, one who is a bit of a drinker herself, and the other who is a recovering alcoholic. Who doesn't know - my mom, my dad, my stepmom, my daughter (although she has heard me on the phone talking about wanting to stop drinking), my ex-husband, my work colleagues (minus one), most of my friends don't know about the extent to which I drink when I have a binge (except for one who said that I just drink alone because I am alone so much), my aunts, my cousins, my stepmom's family.  Pretty much almost everyone I know, minus two people...maybe that in and of itself is a problem.  It's not that I lie about it, it's just not that I share.  Maybe guilt by omission. Do I want to tell them?  Not really.  Sometimes, I do when I feel like I want help in general.    I think most people would be surprised to know how I feel many times - so lonely, so overwhelmed, and my quick and easy remedy is drinking.

Why do I keep drinking?  I'm not sure...it's fun, it's a release, it's something I do with friends (and it's something I do alone).  I didn't drink for about a month earlier this year and I felt great, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that I replaced my alcohol use with overeating.  Why can't I freaking be addicted to something like running or weightlifting? The only drawback to my not drinking was that it really limited my social activities, which aren't all that expansive to begin with.  When I get together with my friends, most of our activities involve alcohol in some way shape or form, and it is very hard for me to imagine participating in those activities without a drink.

I want to imagine a new life, a different life, a better life for me, it's just that it's so hard.  I know any unbiased reader who has been reading my blog would probably tell me to just go ahead and quit already, yet something keeps me hanging on to it.  So, holding true to my overly analytical OCD nature, I will do a pros/cons analysis.

Pros

• Something I do with friends
• stress reliever
• fun

Cons

• something I do alone
• behave in ways that are uncharacteristic of sober me:
• poor/dangerous choices in men (i.e, 28 year old felon)
• inviting myself on vacation with friends I haven't talked to in years
• drunk texting (oh I'm a horribly witty drunk!)
• Drunk Calling (the only thing better than a drunk textO
• Unhealthy
• not too mention the abundance of cigarettes smoked in conjunction with a binge
• Dangerous
• drinking and driving
• fattening (I have said of this year that I seem to be on a one-woman mission to see how fat I can get)

Worries

• What will I do with my friends if I don't drink (intuitive answer - if I don't have anything to do with them without drinking, they really weren't my friends to begin with)
• I'm going to Jamaica with my friends this summer to celebrate our 40th birthdays at an all-inclusive resort - how can I do this without drinking - hell I'm not even going to pretend I'm not going to drink on this trip
• What will I do for fun????
• How will I relieve stress?
• What if I vacation to Europe? How could I go without drinking wine? (why am I even worrying about this now)

Am I an alcoholic?  I don't identify myself as one, but I feel like if I really truly quit drinking I would need to go to AA.  I also don't know what I would say to my family...I feel like for it to truly stick I would have to be honest with them.

Lots of thoughts in this blog...I think I will sign off for now and continue my binge of DVRed Intervention episodes...it may be a binge, but at least I'm not the one getting drunk.