My therapist recommended a book for me of daily meditations called The Art of Letting Go. Today's meditation was about experimentation. Here is one excerpt that resonated with me "Now is the time to experiment. It is an important part of recovery. Let yourself try things. Let yourself try something new. Yes, you will make mistakes, you can learn what your values are. Some things we just won't like. That's good. Then we'll know a little more about who we are and what we don't like...recover does not equal abstention from life. Recovery means learning to live and learning to live fully. Recovery means exploration, investigation, experimentation...Experiment. Try something new. Maybe you won't like it. Maybe you'll make a mistake. But maybe you will like it, and maybe you'll discover something you love."
I feel like I am trying to determine who I am without alcohol. Who are my true friends? What will I do? How will I have fun?
I feel very raw, vulnerable and exposed...not a comfortable place to be at all. I feel confused, like I am flying blind. I don't know if I am on the right path at all, but I will continue to keep stepping forward, one day at a time.
Day 15 is great. But you are very early in your sobriety. You don't need to figure everything out right now.
ReplyDeleteAll you need to do is be kind and gentle with yourself. Make it easy to say no to drinking. Try something new that's easy. Maybe a new fruit or vegetable you have never had.
It doesn't need to be life changing. Just an experiment.
I try not to let the scary stories at AA deter me.
I am a professional, well employed mother. I exercise, volunteer and have a lovely family. And I had a problem with alcohol that was sucking me down.
Just take it one day at a time. You are doing a big thing.
Anne (ainsobriety)
Thanks Anne - I definitely need to learn to be gentle with myself - I just wrote a post about it.
DeleteIt's also good to know that there are others who are similar to me.
Dear WCM,
ReplyDeleteAnne is smart! Listen to her!
I too, never had a job loss or DUI.
But alcohol was a problem for me.
These early days, you just need to be EXTRA kind to yourself!
Don't compare yourself with the other people.
You are you. Don't worry about the word alcoholic.
Just don't drink today.
Keep the good things you want in mind, like your daughter!
Hugs!
Wendy
Thanks Wendy! Kindness to myself is definitely something I need help with! Not comparing and worrying about the label are good reminders!
DeleteWe have similar stories about the feelings that we are not as bad as others in AA. I didn't go to jail, have DUIs, almost die or killed someone.....and for a while I wondered too if I really was an alcoholic. I just like drinking....everyday.....and I was fun.....didn't hurt anyone.....easygoing.
ReplyDeleteBut, the reality for me is that I was tired ... I lost sleep when I drank. I was hungover often. I drank alone at home. I hid booze in my closet, garage, basement, so my kids didn't know (although they knew...smart kids) that I was drinking. I spend a lot of money on the shit. I felt like crap half the time. I wasn't healthy. Didn't exercise or eat properly. Just wanted my drink after working all day (teacher crap) I didn't feel happy or soulful. I "needed" a drink to calm down or deal with stress....which tells me that I couldn't handle any feelings whatsoever. I lived in a "fog", not being present....not enjoying some of the most amazing moments I should have been enjoying.
I joined a group that laughs together, supports each other and has fun! We "can" have fun without alcohol. We will make new friends. People come to us for reasons, at just the right time. We just have to be ready for them. We have to open our hearts. We have to listen to the whispers. We are exactly where we are supposed to be. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Hugs.