To drink or not to drink...that is the question

So, here I sit, after being inspired by reading several blogs( Soberbia, Taking Over my Brain, Unpickled, and Tired of thinking about drinking) starting my own, as I start my venture (yet again) into sobriety.  Yikes!  Sobriety??! Is that a word I dare use in reference to me?

Hence the proverbial question...to drink or not to drink?  I wouldn't say that I am an alcoholic, although I do have some high risk factors according to Rethinking Drinking.  I like to refer to myself as an almost 40 year old recovering (sometimes) party girl, the classic binge drinker, that never quite outgrew the sorority girl college years.  The only problem is, the behaviors aren't quite so cute anymore, when you have a career as an educator in a local school district, an eight year old daughter, and you take risks you wouldn't otherwise take had you not been drinking...picture driving to the gas station to get cigarettes after a bottle plus of wine... only 5 glasses, that's not bad, right? Or bringing home that cute young man 12 years your junior when your daughter is at her dad's house, or better yet, flashback to a night out with friends when you responsibly get a taxi cab and as you sit on the sidewalk outside the restaurant vomit in the road for all passerby's to see.

I know the answer to the question, but I don't want to admit it.  The answer brings more questions.

•  What will my friendships be like if I'm not drinking, since so many of them and so many of our activities center around alcohol?
• How do I tell my family without letting on to all of my previous errors in judgment?
• What do I do with the alcohol that is sitting in my fridge and pantry?  (I can't just throw it out, can I?  Seems like that is just throwing money down the drain)
• How am I going to make it through Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve and my 40th birthday without alcohol?
• Do I need to go to AA?

Ultimately, I know the right decision.  Sometimes I am in control of alcohol, but sometimes (most times) I'm not. I've tried to quit drinking in the past... once going so far as to go to a couple of AA meetings and not drinking for a month, but then after breaking up with my then boyfriend (who I blamed for making me drink because of dissatisfaction in relationship) I thought I had it under control and well, here we are again.  The reasons change but the problem remains...drinking.  I drink because of a bad relationship, I drink because I'm happy and celebrating, I drink because I'm stressed and need to relax from pressures of single parenthood, doctoral studies and full-time job, I drink because I'm sad, I drink because I'm lonely (speaking of which, it's not a problem to drink alone, right?), I drink, I drink, I drink...

I get tired of feeling like I'm living a double life - if many of the people I work with knew how much I drank or how I acted when I drink they would think I have lost my mind (which I quite feasibly may have).  I'm tired of the massive guilt I feel after drinking too much, the anger I feel at myself that I had too much to drink and drove, that I smoked cigarettes and the worry that I may have embarrassed myself in front of a colleague or parent).

All this to ask one last question posed by the great Leann Rimes (please read sarcastically) How do I live without you?