4 months and still standing

According to my AA app, today is officially 4 months even, and still no drink for me, although today I wanted some wine in the worst kind of way, and went so far as to buy a pack of cigarettes and have been chain smoking them, which I have not done in 4 months.

I have started talking to this man recently, who I am so attracted to, but is probably not the best fit for me for so many different reasons, and it has been making me feel crazy.  I've wanted to drink just to shut my mind down.  I've tried to distract myself and do other things, but it's like nothing works.  I called a girl I know from AA and talking to her helped a lot, because she is a single mom going through a lot of the same things as me.  Dating this man has made me feel like my problem isn't really drinking, but it's more symptomatic of me just being crazy...ugh.

Just thought I'd check in and let any readers know that I'm still standing...a little bit wobbly, but still standing sober.

100 days!

I have made it 100 days!  I can't believe I've made it this far.  So many things I've been pondering lately that I will record here...

First, when will my cravings for wine or a nice cocktail stop?  It's not necessarily the feeling that I miss, but the whole lifestyle that I associate with it and the fun times (sometimes, usually in the beginning of my drinking) that I used to have.  I still sometimes fantasize about drinking.  But, I think that my history has proven that for me, drinking is best to remain a fantasy. (Read My bottoms..., A recent drinking history, As simple as that (this one is a real gem, as I wrote it D-R-U-N-K - I'm a stellar sober blogger ;), and ramblings.)  Sometimes, often times, I will get in my head and think, you're fine, you weren't that bad, you never got arrested, never had a DUI, etc...but are those really the points to which I want to sink??  Sometimes, I think, maybe I should try drinking again, so that I can know FOR SURE whether or not I have a problem.  But then, in rare moments of clarity, such as the other night, when I reread my early blog posts, I will say "Damn girl, you're crazy!!! You don't need to drink!"  Is this because I haven't truly accepted step 1 in AA (admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable)?

Next up...
Shopping the Final Frontier!  
So, in my 100 days of recovery, I have realized just how compulsive a lot of my behaviors are.  Initially after stopping drinking, I begin eating like a mad women, treating myself to whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it (quite similarly to my drinking, I would eat without abandon).  Now that I have joined Weight Watchers, I am on a much healthier path with my food, but I see that now my issue is shopping.  I am spending money (that I don't really have), on things I don't really need.  Again, it's almost like a compulsion.  I'll say to myself, "just go ahead and buy it, then you can really buckle down and look at your finances", or "you need that new shirt, it will make you feel so pretty!".  It's like there's a huge gaping wound that I used to fill with alcohol, then I filled with food, and now it's shopping.  How do I stop these compulsive behaviors?  How do I fill this hole, so that I don't have the need to drink, eat, shop, etc?  How can I just be happy with myself (whoever that may be)?

I want to be one of those bloggers who posts positive things that encourage myself and others, but I find myself using this blog as a processing tool.  What I do know after 100 days of sobriety is:
* my skin looks freaking awesome!  (no breakouts, redness and puffiness gone!)
* I don't have the massive cycles of guilt, worry and shame that I had when drinking
* I don't have to worry about the physical effects of a hangover either
* I'm a much more present mother than I was when drinking

And on that note, I'm going to stop... that right there, being a good mom, is my reason to not drink!  So in an attempt to be the positive blogger that I aspire to, I will leave you with a bit of Pinspiration...

90 day addendum

Addendum...

I begrudgingly went to an AA meeting tonight, for two main reasons.  One, being, I didn't have anything else to do, and two, being ever the high achiever, I wanted to get my 90 day chip.  In typical fashion, God showed up by placing me just where I needed to be and allowing me to have yet another mini-epiphany.  I heard so many things tonight that resonated with me, especially since earlier today, I was contemplating drinking again (not in the immediate future, but kind of talking myself into it/giving myself permission to do it in the future).  Here is how I saw God:

* a young twenty-something female talking about how she first started drinking in social settings and how it helped her overcome her shyness, but then, as her friends started drinking more normally, she continued on in the same fashion (this is so totally me,  fell in love with alcohol initially as it helped me to be louder and more fun/less shy, but then when many of my "normal" friends' drinking began to wane, mine was really just getting started)

* a seventy something male who talked about being on and off the wagon and continually getting white chips...he gave the analogy of touching the same hot stove over and over, when you know what's going to happen, your going to get burnt (I feel this way about my drinking  - I may be able to drink "normally" one night, but it's the next night or the time after, when I begin my journey down the slippery slope...I think my previous ventures into sobriety as chronicled here illustrate that - get sober for a time, drink normally once, get embarrassingly shitfaced, suffer guilt and shame, rinse, repeat)

* another seventy something male who had just relapsed after 11 years of sobriety...he talked about loneliness and his 'stinking thinking' causing him to drink...his speech actually brought me to tears - that loneliness is a bitch as is the thinking - those are probably my big two triggers

Throughout all of this, I came to realize just how self-absorbed I have been.  I have been focused solely on myself, how I am different, or better than the rest of the people in AA because of the fact that I haven't had rehab, DUI, or jail time.  Instead of thinking about how different I am, and how I may not be an alcoholic, I need to be thankful that God gave me a high bottom and that I was able to realize my problem before I sank lower.

90 days musings

Well, well, well, I can officially say I have not been sober this long since I was 14 (excluding pregnancy).  Today marks day 90, which I celebrated by meeting a blind date for coffee (how recovering drinker of me).  I wish I had a good report, but there was ZERO chemistry on my part.  He was very nice, but not for me.  Dating sober is providing a whole new venue in which I can define myself.  It is SOOOOO different than before...no alcohol to ease the awkwardness, not really sure how to define myself.

My date and I met at a local coffee shop downtown.  There was a group of drunken men standing outside (now mind you this is at 3:00 pm).  My date mentioned their drunkenness with disdain, and in my mind, I'm thinking about how fun it would be to party with them.  I know that's not a very good sober thought, but I have to say I miss it some.  I don't miss the hangovers, the next day shame and guilt, and the poor choices, but I do miss the freedom in those drunken moments.

 I still struggle with whether or not this will be a forever thing for me, and whether or not I can ever drink again in moderation.  Right now, I am choosing to abstain, and I know that there is no really good reason for me to drink alcohol.  I miss the "lifestyle"  that is associated with drinking...the parties (think summer cocktails on a lovely lawn or a beer on the beach), what I perceive to be  the sophistication of drinking (not being drunk, but drinking).  Jason Vale's book, Kick the Drink elaborates on how we have been brainwashed into buying into the culture of drinking.

  I guess what my problem boils down to is that of my identity.  I don't identify as a non-drinker yet.  I still have a stereotype of a boring tee-totaler in my head when I think of non-drinker.  I still have that drinker mentality.  When does that go away?  Does that go away?  Maybe as I find more positive things to replace the drinking, then I will be more comfortable with sobriety.  I keep reading other people mention the "pink cloud".  I think I have yet to experience that.  The drinking is gone, but some of the things that made me drink are still there...namely the loneliness.  I'm working on remedying that with trying out new hobbies, and the online dating, but have had limited success thus far.

I feel like I am in no-man's land.  I'm not a part of the drinking club, but I feel I don't really quite fit with AA (no DUI's, no intervention, no rehab, no lying, no cheating, no stealing). I feel I'm trudging along, somewhere in between happy sobriety and a drinking lifestyle...not really belonging to either camp. I guess I'll keep trekking along, trying to discover myself and find the right place for me.

87 days :)

Today is 87 days for me... I really can't believe I have made it this long without drinking!  I still feel like I am on a journey of self-discovery.  I've ventured back into the world of online dating (again) recently, and the process has made me realize how much I need to learn about myself, and how I need  to recover the things that I love.  The realization that I need to continue to work on knowing myself came from a simple question posed via email from one man asking me "what do you like to do?" While a relatively easy and innocuous question, I struggled to be able to answer it.  I realize that the past few years I have been focused on grad school and being a mom.  My main hobby consisted of drinking (sad but true).  I'm working to find the things that bring me joy and make me happy...trying to adopt healthy habits, and stay out of my head (it's very dangerous in there!).

I'm wondering if any of you had a similar process of discovering yourself in your journey to sobriety?

Nothing fits

Right now I am in a place where nothing seems to fit quite right (literally and figuratively).  Literally, as discussed in my previous post, due to my massive weight gain, and figuratively, meaning my coping mechanisms and relationships.  My therapist (and psychic - but that's a whole other blog post :) both said that this is because I am in a period of growth, where the old doesn't quite fit any more and I haven't found my new normal.

I feel as if  I'm traveling along, trying to find my way, and a place where I "fit", all the while feeling like it sure is a lonely path.  I haven't really seen any of my "friends" much recently, as happy hour invites seem to have diminished to nil.  Now, I'm not sure if that's due to the fact that I was the one doing the inviting, or if these meetings are still occurring, but it's  just that they are happening unbeknownst to me.

I've gone to AA meetings, but I just don't feel like I quite fit in there either.  I don't know if its because I feel like I'm not "as bad" as "those people", or if I'm realizing that I don't really have the greatest toolbox for meeting and mingling with people sober.  Somewhere along the way in my drinking days, I seem to have forgotten, that I actually am an introverted and reserved person.  When I was drinking, this was covered in bravado, and a false facade of outgoing loudness, because, this is what I felt I "should" be.  I'm remembering how I used to feel waaaaay back in high school before I started drinking regularly...shy, insecure, and not sure how to approach people...hell, I'm not just remembering it, I'm reliving it, right now!

Support from my family is a slightly laughable concept.  My mom, somehow has time for a myriad of activities, such as dinner groups, bridge, tennis, the gym, an odd sport called "pickle ball" (again, a topic for a whole other blog post), yet can't seem to find the time to know that I am taking my Comps Exam for my PhD this Monday, despite the fact that I've told her this repeatedly.  My dad is living in another state with his family #2, and brother is busy with his own family.

It's just so lonely...which is one of the reasons I drank...dealing with the loneliness and the sadness, and now, without a drink, I'm left here sitting with these not so fun feelings.

Well, now that I have unloaded all of this cheeriness ;) on you, I must go...studying for Comps Exam beckons.

Weight Struggles...ugh!

This post isn't directly related to alcohol, but I think in some ways it indirectly is, as I feel that I have turned to food as my new coping mechanism (not that I didn't use it before, but now I have kicked it into high gear).

I got on the scale this evening and I am SHOCKED by how much weight I have gained!  I mean damn, if I'm not going to be drinking, the least I could do is lose some freaking weight!  I way almost as much as I did when I was pregnant, AND to add insult to injury, I have gained probably15 pounds in the last 5 - 6 months, in addition to the 30 some odd pounds I have gained over the past couple of years....can you say OUT OF CONTROL???!

I just joined Weight Watchers and signed up for this new online coaching thing that they have.  I have lost a significant amount of weight with them in the past, and hope I can do so again.

It's just such a pisser, to put it bluntly.  I'm lonely, I'm stressed, and food has been my comfort and stress reliever.  I know it's not healthy, but it's the truth.  I guess the blessing in this is that I am finally facing up to the truth and that's the only way I can move forward.

How can I be happy with myself in the moment and not beat myself up, when I am so disgusted with what the scale says?

How did I let myself get to this point?  Am I blind?  Am I walking around disgusting people with the presence of my fat ass?  I don't think of myself as a fatty, but in reality that's what I am right now.

I guess it's a lot like my issues with alcohol...I was in denial about that for a while, and I have been in denial about my food issues for a while.  Time to get real and deal with another issue. ugh.

Saturday morning thoughts

I'm sitting at my laptop working on my final paper due in my research class, so what else should I do but make a quick blog post? (I am ever the procrastinator)

This morning I have been thinking about how the stress in my life seems so much less than it did before, which is ironic.  The amount of stress in my life hasn't changed...I'm still a single mom, I'm still in grad school, I still struggle financially, but somehow I am less stressed about it all since I have removed alcohol from my life.  I am more balanced and seem to be better able to cope with whatever curve balls life throws me.  I have more time to focus on what's important, namely my daughter and those things, that despite being sometimes tedious and completely non-exciting, are still necessary (things like my coursework, cleaning house, paying bills, etc.)

It's funny to me that the alcohol I was turning to in order to cope with my stress was actually making my life more difficult.

40 days and 40 nights

Today marks day 40.  I went to my usual Friday night AA meeting and I spoke!  I think I may have very well sounded like a blubbering, rambling fool but I spoke and <gasp> said the dreaded words...I am an alcoholic.

Today's meeting was focused on step 1 (admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable), and in true to form, God sent me to that meeting to hear a message I needed.  I shared that I had been struggling with identifying as an alcoholic and that I had been listening in meetings for the differences between me and those that spoke, thinking "well, I never did that, so I'm okay".  I shared how I had been trying to understand my drinking problem, but couldn't quite wrap my head around it, that I wanted to find someone who was just like me, but I couldn't - I told them that my life wasn't unmanageable (with the exception of the times alcohol was involved) and that I was actually quite successful, but that I had gotten tired of living a double life (professional educator by day, drunken fool by night).  At least, this is what I intended to express, but I think it may have sounded something like, "well, um, I like really have been struggling with this, you know, like trying to understand, um where I um am with this whole thing"...

The words of the man who spoke next resonated with me.  He said that for him, step one was about surrender, and that surrender just means you are tired of fighting.  And fighting is exactly what I have been trying to do, trying to control and manipulate this situation onto my terms with my semantics, things like "I may have a drinking problem, but I'm not an alcoholic."  He also said that no two people's paths were the same, that we all had our own roads to travel and that all he could do was share his experience.

The leader in the meeting also shared another great point, that acceptance doesn't mean you like something, it just means it's there.  Like if you have a broken leg, you don't have to like it, but you accept it as a fact.

I talked to a couple of girls at the meeting, both of whom texted me this evening, saying how good it was to see me and how nice to meet me, and to call them if I needed anything, which is so nice and so humbling, that someone who barely knows me would be willing to open themselves up to me.  One girl invited me to this young person's meeting tomorrow night (although I'm not quite sure I qualify at 40), where they are having some sort of party afterwards, and I think I just may go.

It's taken me 40 days to get to this point (plus a couple of years prior of contemplating and failed attempts at sobriety) to be able to say that I am an alcoholic.  I think it's something that I need to say frequently to continue to accept it.

Step 1 and Day 39

I met with my sponsor last night to begin my step work with the book Back to Basics, and let me tell you Step 1 was a doozy!  If you have been an avid reader of my blog this will probably not be a surprise to you, as many of my posts have dealt with me coming to terms with my drinking problem.

The process for step one in this book was to read a chapter that talks a good bit about alcoholism, with some of the identifiers being like you have a craving for alcohol, find that you often can't control the amount you drink (like some people have just one or two drinks and for you that's just getting started!), or that you have tried to quit and that you are unable to do so.  Despite the fact that I met all of those identifiers, it was still hard for me to say that yes I am an alcoholic.

I know that I have a drinking problem, and that I don't need to drink, but saying that I am an alcoholic takes it to a whole other level and it means for me that the jig is really up, which is actually kind of sad to me.  I guess I was harboring a pipe dream that when I finished my degree and my life was less filled with stress I might be able to drink more normally, and admittance of my problem with the "a" word means I have to kiss that dream good-bye.

I know it's crazy, but it is kind of sad to me...I loved alcohol - I loved how it made me feel, how it turned my mind off, the fun times I had with it...

As I have been reflecting back on my drinking career, I have come to the realization that most of my memories involve alcohol.  Memories of the beach, vacations, first dates, Grad school (the first go around), my favorite cities of Charleston and Savannah, the fun parties, boy friends, girls nights out...the list goes on and on.

So now I begin the work of creating a new life and new memories filled with healthy coping and clarity and free of alcohol.

Wish me luck!

Recovering me

I feel like I made some headway on my not-drinking-journey this weekend, after beginning it with a minor meltdown complete with tears and sadness at my newfound inability to not drink...it was Friday night, I was going to meet friends for sushi at a place where I have been drinking for Y-E-A-R-S, and I wanted to be able to drink dammit! I actually cried - thinking back, I'm not sure why, but I definitely felt a loss.  I called my sponsor who told me that this was part of the process, that maybe now the newness was wearing off and I would need to find new ways to reward myself as well as learning how to face emotions.  I went to dinner with my friends and had a great time...just as good of a time as I would have had if I had been drinking.  They had probably 2 - 3 drinks each, which made me wonder if I was the person driving the party train...when I was drinking before it seemed like everyone drank just about as much as me - could I have been the instigator?  After dinner with friends I went to an AA meeting and I got my 30 day chip - woo hoo!!  I still feel awkward in the meetings, although I enjoy going to them and feel as if I always get something from them.  I think it's just that I am not a good small talker and DEFINITELY not a big talker in front of groups of people I don't know when I'm not 100% sure of what I'm talking about.  I have yet to speak in front of the group at the meeting and I most certainly haven't said the A-word.

I feel so much more peace in my life than I have felt in a long, long time...maybe even ever.  I am feeling more balanced and calm.  Even though I wasn't a daily drinker, I am wondering how much of the chaos that was in my life was brought about by alcohol and the repercussions from overindulgence.  I am not as tired as I used to be, and not napping all the time.  I feel like I am getting so much more done than I have in the past - be it work, school, or home.  I am able to focus so much more of my attention on my daughter, and I am realizing how she frequently has gotten the short end of the stick - words cannot truly express how this saddens me.  I am actually feeling content just being me and doing "my thing".  I am trying to be gentle with myself and accept myself as I am.  I am working on the serenity prayer and realizing how much I tried to control people, places and things that were out of my control.

I am remembering who I really am and what things I really like, that I actually am a quiet, more introverted person (unless we're close, then watch out!) and that it is okay for me to be that way - I don't have to put on a party girl facade to be liked.   I feel like I am on the path to recovering the real me...maybe that's what recovery is all about?

31 days!

Today is 31 days alcohol free for me!  This is the longest I have gone without drinking (excluding pregnancy :).  It feels like it has been a bit easier this time, mostly because I have come to terms with the fact that drinking is problematic for me, although I am still yet to embrace the "A-word".

  I am trying to stay out of my head and not overthink things, but to take it one day at a time.  I have had this little itch though in the back of my head, beckoning to me every now and again..."Don't you want a drink?" "Wouldn't a glass of wine be good right now?" "You need to relax - get yourself a drink!"  "You are about to attend your last PhD class E-V-E-R!!!How will you celebrate without alcohol?" "Who will you be friends with if you aren't going to happy hour?"

Tonight I wanted a drink after meeting with a professor to discuss my comps exam and upcoming dissertation, but I didn't - it wasn't a huge effort, as I have nothing to drink here, and I have my daughter (not that that has necessarily stopped me before), but rather an annoyance.  I'm supposed to start working the steps with my sponsor next Wednesday and she says it will all come together then and that life only gets better without drinking, so I'll say Cheers to that with my glass of Trader Joe's sparkling pink lemonade.

Day 25

Today makes 25 days. I feel much stronger this time than I did in any previous attempts.  I know for sure that I am going to make it to 30 days!  I've been debating the role that AA will play in my life, but I really want to go back, with one of the primary reasons being that I want that 30 day chip! ;)   My reasons for not going are that I'm still not quite sure if I belong, I kind of feel like an "alcoholic poser" since I never had a DUI, never went to rehab, was never a wake-up drinker,etc.  Now this is not to imply that I don't have a problem, because I know I do, I'm just wondering how "high-bottoms" like me fit into AA, or if we even do.  Sometimes if I get too far into my thinking I will say to myself that I am just drinking too much because of the stress in my life.

So, I've been telling myself that I'm just not drinking "for now".  How long "for now" is, I don't know.  When I think that I can drink at any time, I ask myself why I would want to do that, knowing that it will make me feel bad mentally, physically and emotionally.  When I think about drinking moderately, I think "why bother?", because I know that for me, alcohol was never about moderation, it was a vehicle to get me to feel the way I wanted to feel.

My dad and stepmom came to visit last weekend for Easter and I told them that I wasn't drinking.  I said I didn't want to make a big deal about it, but that I wasn't drinking right now.  My stepmom said that she had wanted to talk to me about that, because she could tell that the last time we talked I had been drinking and had been drinking a good bit.  Can you say embarrassment?  I wanted to melt into the floor! However shaming that discussion was, it was also verification that I am on the right path.

I recently cancelled a 40th birthday trip with girlfriends to an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica.  I know that this would be nothing but a booze-fest, and my chances of enjoying myself alcohol free were slim to none.  I feel good about my decision and have decided instead to go somewhere with my daughter.

I'm still plugging along, feeling pretty good, with no plans of drinking anytime soon...One day at a time is all we can really count on.  Today I am choosing sobriety.

gentleness and peace

I don't know if this has anything to do with my newfound sobriety or not, but today I noticed the way I talk to myself.  I was doing this super intense exercise class that was WAAAAYYY too hard for me (I didn't realize what class I was going to, thinking it was going to be a nice Zumba class) and I was struggling with almost all of the exercises. At the end of the class I was so frustrated and I felt like crying.  Thoughts of "You are no good, you are so stupid, you are so dumb, you are a fat ass" ran through my head.  Why would I talk to myself like that?  I would never talk to anyone like that no matter how much I might dislike them...so, why then, do I think it's okay to talk to myself like that?

Today's meditation from The Language of Letting Go was very timely for me.  "Go easy.  You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard.  Go in gentleness, go in peace."  I've been having a really difficult time of things lately on all fronts - work (my principal is INSANE and seems to have it in for me), sobriety and loneliness- and when asked what I really want in life by those trying to advise or help me, my answer has been "peace".  I am realizing that I probably have to be at peace with myself before I can have peace in my life, and I'm thinking the first step of that is probably not being so mean to myself.

I've also (Still) been questioning my path and alcohol issues (I know any regular readers are probably like "come on already!").  My most recent thoughts are "Maybe you are just crazy, it's not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just the stress in your life <insert said insane principal, single mom and PhD student>, not a drinking problem" or "maybe it's just that you're lonely, it's not a drinking problem".  But - Somewhere from deep within, my soul answers, maybe it's all those things that have brought you right where you need to be...finding my way, learning to love myself and be the best version of me that I can be.

Day 16

This morning I have been thinking a lot about control in my life...how I have sought to have control a lot more than I realized.  I think my goal-oriented nature is all about attempting to control the future to some degree.  I think even with my drinking I've been trying to control my understanding of it, and compartmentalize it into a neat, little box that it fits tidily within, when that is not a reality.  It's ironic really, that I have sought to have so much control in my life, yet I've given it over to the one thing that makes me completely lose any semblance of control I might have - alcohol.

Today on day 16, I am seeking to understand to realize in life I truly have little control except to do the next "good thing"for me today.  I am seeking to let go and trust that I am on the right path.

Today's pinspiration:

Day 15

Today is Day 15.  I am still struggling with understanding that I have an alcohol problem...I am beginning to be able to accept it, but I don't fully understand it, and it may be that I just won't ever fully understand it.  I have been going to AA meetings, which have been beneficial for the most part, but when I start to compare my drinking behaviors to that of the people that I listen to speak in the meetings, I find myself thinking, I'm not that bad (i.e, getting DUIs, robbing liquor stores, waking up in strange places with people I don't know, going missing from my family)...I'm not an alcoholic.  What I can identify with is a lot of the feelings and thoughts that people share - the way that alcohol makes them feel, the craving for it, the feelings of never fitting in, the love of it...

My therapist recommended a book for me of daily meditations called The Art of Letting Go.  Today's meditation was about experimentation. Here is one excerpt that resonated with me "Now is the time to experiment.  It is an important part of recovery.  Let yourself try things.  Let yourself try something new. Yes, you will make mistakes, you can learn what your values are.  Some things we just won't like.  That's good.  Then we'll know a little more about who we are and what we don't like...recover does not equal abstention from life.  Recovery means learning to live and learning to live fully.  Recovery means exploration, investigation, experimentation...Experiment. Try something new.  Maybe you won't like it.  Maybe you'll make a mistake.  But maybe you will like it, and maybe you'll discover something you love."

I feel like I am trying to determine who I am without alcohol.  Who are my true friends?  What will I do?  How will I have fun?

I feel very raw, vulnerable and exposed...not a comfortable place to be at all.  I feel confused, like I am flying blind.  I don't know if I am on the right path at all, but I will continue to keep stepping forward, one day at a time.

Acceptance

Tonight I went to another AA meeting.  It was huge - people broke into several different rooms based on the steps.  I went to the steps one and two room.  In the meeting a lot of what I heard was foreign to me, but some was not. I was able to identify with a couple of the speakers -one guy talked about how he loved how alcohol made him feel from the minute he began to the last time they slapped the cuffs on him.  (well, helloooo????Who doesn't love how it makes them feel - I guess "normies"?)  Another girl shared how she tended to replace her drinking issues with other concerns to try to change her situation or how she feels  (insert shopping, eating too much, eating too little)

This has gotten me to thinking about the first step that I am powerless over alcohol.  I know this is probably the case, but it is sooooooo stinking difficult to truly admit that.  Sometimes I can control, except for when I can't, and the problem is that I am not really able to predict when I will or won't be in control, so I guess that means I'm not in control, which means I'm powerless over it...but does being powerless over alcohol mean that I am an alcoholic??? I am really struggling with the idea of saying "Hi my name is _____, and I'm an alcoholic."  I guess because, in my mind, if I say that the jig is really up, and maybe I'm still holding out hope that it will change.  One thing that makes me think maybe I am okay, is that all of my friends drink...some maybe even more than me, and some less, but all drink a good bit.  As I'm reflecting on this though, I think I have to consider the broader spectrum of people out there, and that my friends and I may be a minority and that like tends to attract like...big drinkers hang out with other big drinkers....so, I guess that's really not that good of a reason to think I don't have a problem.

I do however, have several reasons to quit.

• My almost 9 year old daughter - I really want to set a positive example for her, and she is old enough to be catching on to my shenanigans
• It's catching up to me...I have had this sneaking suspicion in the back of my head that alcohol and I are in a race, and that I have been ahead of it for a while, but it is rapidly catching up with me...I don't want it to catch up with me and have to face negative consequences
• I want to live one integrated life...I have felt tired of living dual lives (teacher by day, drunken lunatic by night)
• Not feeling the shame, anxiety and guilt that come with a binge
• Being more even keeled
• Long term health benefits 

So, I guess I will keep doing what I'm doing and working on acceptance.  Hopefully this time it will stick.

Surrender

So tonight I went to an AA meeting.  I almost didn't go, almost talked myself out of it, but I went, almost compelled to go, and you know what??? I survived.  Not only did I survive, but I liked it!  The group was filled with warm, friendly, funny people.  In the meeting they talked a lot about acceptance as it relates to life in general and trying not to control things (i.e, the Serenity Prayer).  When these people talked, the things they said were very similar to my ways of thinking.  Then, one man spoke at the end who had 12 days.  He talked about acceptance as to whether or not he was an alcoholic, because he wasn't a binge drinker, or an every day drinker, and he didn't have a low low like others he had heard of in the meetings, and he still struggled with whether or not that he was an alcoholic in comparison, but that he felt much better and less anxiety ridden in his 12 sober days.

The people were so welcoming and encouraging, I felt at home - I chatted with many of the women after the meeting and they shared that many of them had similar stories.

I think I can do this.  I got an email from Belle a couple of days ago (I rejoined 100 day challenge) about adding things when you relapse...like what can you do differently?  This time I will add AA.

I got my white chip of surrender on Day 4.

A drinking month (or so) and DAY 1

So...here I am again...going to try to stop drinking.  Earlier today I sat down and analyzed my drinking behavior over the past month or so (37 days to be exact), and recorded how much I drank.  Here is a synopsis:

2/8: 2 beers at Sushi dinner with Match man - that was our first and last date

2/17: Binge 1: see my post - simple as that - for all of the gory details

2/27: Happy Hour with friends at Mexican restaurant - 1 Large margarita and either 3 or 4 draft beers

2/28: Mountain weekend with somewhat new friends - had 2 beers

3/4: either 2 or 3 glasses of wine at dinner and 2 woodchucks when I got back home

3/6: went to happy hour with some young teachers - had probably 5 small margaritas (they ordered pitchers) and 1 or 2 woodchuck

3/7: 3 8 ounce glasses of wine before and with dinner (I know the measurement, because I paid extra for those 3 more ounces, dammit!)

3/12: Bender 2 (see ramblings)

3/15: 2 small glasses of champagne at my mom's house

The breakdown:

• 3 episodes of "normal Moderate drinking" (meaning approximately 2 drinks)
• 4 episodes of "technical binge drinking" (I categorize this as technical binge drinking because CDC says binge drinking is 4 or more drinks in approximately 2 hour period - I however do not  categorize them as binges, because I am not drunk texting, dialing, and am still in decent control of my behavior)
• 2 "Extreme Binges" - when I have waaaaaay too much to drink - scary that I can drink so much and still function

So, I think after stopping drinking and then starting again, I can see how I picked right back up where I left off, and where I left off wasn't all that great.  I want to be the kind of mother my daughter will be proud of and to be present for her and set a good example for her.

The fact of the matter is that I do have a problem as I can clearly see looking back at my posts.  Alcohol owns me.  Honestly, I'm not happy drinking unless I am shitfaced and checked out and that is  not how I want to live my life - yes, it is MORE than enjoyable in that moment, but the aftermath???...not so enjoyable.  So, here I am starting again.

DAY 1

ramblings

Well, I made it about a month and had another blowout Thursday night to the tune of 1/2 a bottle of prosecco (oh one glass of which had a shot of St. Germain - I never said I was a cheap drunk), a bottle of red wine, and because all of the wine was gone, three beers.  Oh yes, let me not leave out the pack of cigarettes that I consumed.  Did I forget to say that this was all by myself??? I Facebook messaged a friend I haven't talked to in over a year to say that I would love to go to the beach with her and her family this summer if they vacation this way (WTF???I would never invite myself along sober).  I called my ex-boyfriend and asked him what what wrong in our relationship (ugh - I'm sure I was slurring at this point in time - I remember being cognizant of that). I was able to make it to work on Friday and despite a bit of an upset stomach, function quite effectively for the amount of alcohol consumed the night prior.

This has me wondering if anyone really knows how much I drink?  No, it might not be every day, but my binges seem bigger and possibly more problematic.  I know I can function with out alcohol, and sometimes manage it quite effectively, except for when I don't, when I use it to escape.  I can pretty much pinpoint the feeling I have when I know I am going to get f'd up... the feeling of release - needing to let go and forget about everything.

Okay, so back to question - who knows how much I drink?  Honestly, probably only two friends, one who is a bit of a drinker herself, and the other who is a recovering alcoholic. Who doesn't know - my mom, my dad, my stepmom, my daughter (although she has heard me on the phone talking about wanting to stop drinking), my ex-husband, my work colleagues (minus one), most of my friends don't know about the extent to which I drink when I have a binge (except for one who said that I just drink alone because I am alone so much), my aunts, my cousins, my stepmom's family.  Pretty much almost everyone I know, minus two people...maybe that in and of itself is a problem.  It's not that I lie about it, it's just not that I share.  Maybe guilt by omission. Do I want to tell them?  Not really.  Sometimes, I do when I feel like I want help in general.    I think most people would be surprised to know how I feel many times - so lonely, so overwhelmed, and my quick and easy remedy is drinking.

Why do I keep drinking?  I'm not sure...it's fun, it's a release, it's something I do with friends (and it's something I do alone).  I didn't drink for about a month earlier this year and I felt great, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that I replaced my alcohol use with overeating.  Why can't I freaking be addicted to something like running or weightlifting? The only drawback to my not drinking was that it really limited my social activities, which aren't all that expansive to begin with.  When I get together with my friends, most of our activities involve alcohol in some way shape or form, and it is very hard for me to imagine participating in those activities without a drink.

I want to imagine a new life, a different life, a better life for me, it's just that it's so hard.  I know any unbiased reader who has been reading my blog would probably tell me to just go ahead and quit already, yet something keeps me hanging on to it.  So, holding true to my overly analytical OCD nature, I will do a pros/cons analysis.

Pros

• Something I do with friends
• stress reliever
• fun

Cons

• something I do alone
• behave in ways that are uncharacteristic of sober me:
• poor/dangerous choices in men (i.e, 28 year old felon)
• inviting myself on vacation with friends I haven't talked to in years
• drunk texting (oh I'm a horribly witty drunk!)
• Drunk Calling (the only thing better than a drunk textO
• Unhealthy
• not too mention the abundance of cigarettes smoked in conjunction with a binge
• Dangerous
• drinking and driving
• fattening (I have said of this year that I seem to be on a one-woman mission to see how fat I can get)

Worries

• What will I do with my friends if I don't drink (intuitive answer - if I don't have anything to do with them without drinking, they really weren't my friends to begin with)
• I'm going to Jamaica with my friends this summer to celebrate our 40th birthdays at an all-inclusive resort - how can I do this without drinking - hell I'm not even going to pretend I'm not going to drink on this trip
• What will I do for fun????
• How will I relieve stress?
• What if I vacation to Europe? How could I go without drinking wine? (why am I even worrying about this now)

Am I an alcoholic?  I don't identify myself as one, but I feel like if I really truly quit drinking I would need to go to AA.  I also don't know what I would say to my family...I feel like for it to truly stick I would have to be honest with them.

Lots of thoughts in this blog...I think I will sign off for now and continue my binge of DVRed Intervention episodes...it may be a binge, but at least I'm not the one getting drunk.

The aftermath...

Mad at myself for drinking so much...worried about the texts sent to Match man (he initiated texts, but I was much "wittier" than I would have been sober - ugh - at least he doesn't know me well enough to know how crazy I really am).  Disappointed in myself  - what kind of mom am I?  I have THE best daughter in the world and I act like an idiot - I want better for her.

I remember the tipping point yesterday - right after that second glass of wine, pouring myself another, and it was game on.

I wanted to check out, and I did.

Only now, I have to check back in and deal with...

the aftermath

-shame
-disappointment
-anger at myself
-embarassment (my "witty" banter with Match man)
-knowing I won't do what I need to do today (go to gym, do quality school work)
-physically feeling like crap

ugh

pursuit of happiness

pursuit of happiness

As simple as that...

This post may not be what you thought it would be...

As I type this, I am drunk... my fingers stumbling over the keys...intoxicated...frequently backspacing and deleting errors I don't intend...

One week ago, I had a date with the man I mentioned previously in my posts... dark skinned, intellectual, handsome - I had two beers.  Tonight, I have had one bottle of wine, 5 beers, and another 2 glasses of wine.

I am fucking tired of it all. I am tired of being the sole breadwinner. I am tired of working full time. I am tired of trying to better myself.

so...

as simple as that,


I check in on my daughter to make sure that she is asleeep soundly in her bed (she is)

I light a cigarette off my smooth top stove (because the one lighter I can find isn't working, nearly burning my fingers in the process)

I call my dog onto the screened in porch (so that I can write with her out here)

I find my functioning lighter in the pack of cigarettes I have been smoking

I type these words

I check out

I check in

with whoever reads these posts...

I am tired...

of being the sole breadwinner

of getting my doctorate

of being responsible


I am...


me

trying my best

to do what's right

and live a life

that is better for me and my daughter

as simple as that, I am drunk, checked out and the most content I have content in this moment than I have been in all my previous moments of sobriety...

simple as that

Which came first, the drinking or the stress? (much like the chicken or the egg debate)

I'm at 21 days now, and I'm wondering is my drinking a product of the stress in my life, or is it an issue that exists solely in and of itself?

I've always like to drink...the fun, the freedom, the release.  I never really worried about it being that much of a problem before my divorce.  I was probably just truly a social drinker.  When I drank socially, sometimes I did drink too much (or at least as much as those around me), but many times I didn't.

I think my slippery slope really started when I got separated about 5 1/2 years ago.  Suddenly I was thrust into a world where I was solely responsible for managing a house, a yard, the bills that go with both and being a heartbroken part-time parent to my then just turned 3 year old daughter.  I learned about the $400 utility bills that come with an 80+ year old house, the rodents that like to make nocturnal visits in the evening to said older homes, leaving their calling cards in drawers and on shelves, and I learned more than I ever care to about maintaining a yard.

This learning coincided with  navigating a newly single social life and the dating that is part and parcel of it.  Many "couple" friendships fell by the wayside, and many friends and family members who I thought would be supportive weren't.   Then there was struggle of being a part-time single parent. The difficulty of doing it on my own, the sadness when separated from my daughter tinged with slight relief at the break but compounded at guilt over feeling relief.

Mix all of this in with a hefty dose of loneliness and you have a perfect recipe for single mom stress and sadness.

Never one to take the easy path, I decided that in order to carve out a better path for myself and my daughter I would get my doctorate.  This added a whole new level of stress.

Reflecting back, this has me wondering if my drinking escalated as a product of my stress/life situation, or if it was always there lurking and would have reared it's ugly head one way or another.  Now this isn't to say that I was feeling sad or stressed every time I drank, but drinking did prove to be an effective, efficient and relatively inexpensive way to have fun and take a vacation from my life (as opposed to let's say a Caribbean vacation).

I'm wondering if I wouldn't have the drinking problem if I control the stress in my life?

I'd love to get any thoughts and feedback!

Trick(y things in my life right now) or treat(s for not drinking)

Trick(y things in my life right now)

About five minutes ago (approximately 4:30 pm East Coast time), I found myself hiding in the corner of my kitchen eating chocolate cake so that my daughter would not see me.  I cut myself a decent size slice and then had to go back and even up the edges... of course the cake has to be even!  It has nothing to do with me wanting a bit more!

I just got an email from match.com, offering to "Let a pro write your profile.  Our top-notch writers can make your personality shine.  Make your profile more appealing."  So apparently Match.com recognizes that I am in a dating slump - this could be a new low for me.  I then tried to persuade my daughter to take pictures of me playfully about to bite a tortilla chip, or with my hand on my hip (which was shifted to the side ever so slightly) as I grinned over my shoulder, so that I could add some pizazz to my profile pictures.  Apparently my daughter, who did not know my ulterior motive for said photos, did not think they were apropos, as she asks me if I was trying to scar her for life.

Yesterday, my dumb ass ex husband told me that he let his 12 year old step daughter take our 8 year old daughter and her 8 year old step brother to the movies...without consulting me first.  This really pissed me off, as I don't think it was a wise choice (I guess I am conservative and perhaps over protective as a parent) and I felt like he should have at least talked to me first.

This weekend, a friend of mine from high school is having her 40th birthday weekend with a bunch of girls from high school and college.  I will not be going for two reasons - first reason - I need to work on getting ready for comps exam and preparing for dissertation, and two - I am not drinking.  I feel as if I am in a strange no where land...kind of wanting to go, but kind of glad I'm not.  I know that I am doing the right thing for me, but I can't help but to feel as if I am missing out.

But, the good news about all of these tricky things in my life is that I am still not drinking and I am still breathing.

Treat(s for not drinking)

So Belle, who is running the 100 day sober challenge, in which I am participating, sent me my first homework assignment. This assignment was the kind of work that I can get into.  I was to compile a list of treats that I can use to reward myself every two days for not drinking.  Here is the list that I have come up with thus far:

• new herbal or green tea K-cups ( I have decided to become a tea drinker in the evening)
• Either sugar cubes or some kind of cute honey to sweeten said tea
• Coffee mugs (in which aforementioned tea will be consumed)
• scented lotion
• scented Body wash
• celebrity gossip magazine (People or Us weekly)
• Cute new cup (preferably with a lid and ideally with a built in infuser) out of which I can drink non-alcoholic beverages
• Tervis Tumbler
• chocolate bar from Whole Foods (they have chocolate raspberry and chocolate orange - yummo!)
• new ebook on sober life on iPad

Do any of you use sober treats to reward yourself?  If so, to what have you treated yourself?

Navigatin' Datin' and Musins on Abusin' (alcohol)

Second post for the day...soooo, earlier, I wrote about how good I felt being sober - six hours later I am going to write and tell you that commitment is not that strong.  While perusing the aisles of the local Wal-Mart in an attempt to complete my weekly grocery shopping, I spotted a bottle of Chocovine. For those of you who have not had this delicious concoction, you don't know what you are missing out on (and if you are reading this - you probably will never know - sorry, just saying').  Upon spotting, this delectable treasure, my mind started to wander...OMG, Chocovine. I love Chocovine. It tastes just like Bailey's. How can I never have Chocovine again?  What kind of world is this without Chocovine? (Forget the fact that I haven't had this beverage in two years and probably haven't thought of it since, but thinking that I now may not ever be able to have it again, well, now that's problematic).

Then my commitment was really tested this evening when I logged onto Match.com.  (For whatever reason, I have joined Match, and have not had any luck to speak of- honestly probably the worst luck of my dating life. I think that my repeated joining/ deleting my profile has saturated the online dating market, thusly causing me to lose my appeal, but anywho, that's a whole other story for a whole other blog - dating drama (or lack thereof) of the single mom. )  Tonight, I spotted a profile of a man that looks right up my alley - a little bit stocky, tall (isn), dark hair and eyes, a liberal PhD, but he drinks moderately!  Now  in Match land, moderately is a step above social drinking, think, this person is a serious drinker, they are in essence admitting that they are not merely a social drinker.  This profile sent my mind spinning into the crazy land of what if? What if he asked me out on a date?  What if he wanted to order a fine bottle of wine?  What if he wanted to get in a jacuzzi with a bottle of champagne? (that's a stretch I know) What if he wanted to drink beers on a boat? (prompted by one of his profile pics) What if he wanted to drink chocovine? (I have to bring it full circle here) What if? What if? What if?

These are just the questions prompted by viewing a profile.  Creating my profile, rendered me with a whole other host of questions?  What do I put down for drinking?  Do I say "never" - no, then people might identify me as a holy rolling teetotaler, which as I think I have proven in previous posts, I am definitely not.  Do I put down "socially",  despite the fact that I'm currently not drinking?  Do I leave it blank and be super enigmatic? What to do? What to do?


Before, you all recommend that I seek psychiatric help for my out of control mind, I have a takeaway...to just be in the moment, and get out of my head, because in the moment, as long as I'm breathing, I'm doing all right.

Alas, dear reader(s), I shall leave you with another dose of pinspiration....who am I kidding??? This is for me :)

100 Day Challenge

I am taking control of my life and relinquishing control that I never had.

Pinspiration #1:

I just got registered for Belle's 100 day challenge.  Below is a copy of my pledge:

I will not drink for 100 days.  No matter what.  I can cry, but I will not drink.  I can go to bed or go home early.  I might feel distressed... but I will not drink.  Bad things might happen, but I will not drink.  Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend's friend's grandmother.  But there will be no booze.  Funerals? Weddings?  Amputation?  I'm not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens... no matter what.

My last drink was Friday January 9, 2015, so this is my day 16.

Here's to changing my life for the better:

Pinspiration #2

The funny thing is, since recommitting myself to sobriety (it feels weird to say that word), I have felt this strange new emotion...pride.  Interesting that my great job, master's degree and doctoral level classes haven't given me the same feeling of pride that 16 little days of sobriety have.

It's nice to talk to someone, (namely a non-drinker) without wondering if they are on to your dirty little secret.  Can they Tell that I was shitfaced this weekend?  Do they know I drive drunk sometimes? Do they know that I smoke cigarettes when I'm drunk?  Do they know I engage strangers in witty and charming conversation while intoxicated? (read that one sarcastically) Do they know that I had sex with a 28 year old redneck?  Do they know? Do they know? Do they know?  

It is nice not to feel like I am hiding anything.  It is nice not to feel like I am living 2 different lives.  Think elementary school educator by day, aging party girl by night. It is nice not to feel shame.  It is nice not to feel guilt.  It is nice.

I'm beginning to like this thing called sobriety.  It is nice.

AA? Do I have to say the "A Word"?

So, this post is going to be full of questions for which I would love, love, love to get input!

I have struggled with the idea of AA and going to meetings.  I kind of want to go, but these are the things that are holding me back from attending.

• Do I have to identify as an "alcoholic" to go to AA?  Like, I have absolutely no intention of ever getting in front of a room and saying, "hi my name is----- and I'm an alcoholic."
• Do I have to have already committed myself to the idea of not drinking forever to go to AA?  (or is this one of those things that you work out along the way?)
• Would I be accepted in AA?  (for example, I have been before, but didn't feel like my story was as "bad" as those of the others that I heard  - I've never been a daily drinker, still have a good job, never gotten arrested (Thank you God!) - but I guess the reason I want to go is that I worry one day my luck could run out.

I would love any and all input/thoughts/ comments on AA.

Thanks!

Calgon, take me away!

So today, right now, I am wanting a drink in a bad kind of way...I am so irritable - I took the car to the dealership and had to pay $275 to have them tell me that I need to put $4400 into the car to get this ten year old vehicle up to snuff.  Three syllables - what-ev-a.  I will be taking car to my mechanic on Monday to see what he says - I only paid $5000 for car, so I'm certainly not going to put that kind of money into it (Thank God for student loan refund checks, because otherwise I wouldn't have any extra money at all).

THEN, to add insult to injury, my nightly treats of Trader Joes chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels and marshmallows have added some inches to my waistline and I look like I am sporting a 5 to 6 month pregnancy belly.  I mean, GD, if I'm not going to be drinking alcohol at least I should fucking be skinny, right?!

What I would really like to do is have a couple of drinks, get fuzzy and say "Fuck it" to everything.

Oh, and did I mention that I still have not taken down my Christmas decorations????!! Yes, that's right people, it is January 21st and I still have Christmas shit up, aaaannd, my condo is bordering looking like it needs to be on an episode of Hoarders.

The piece(s) de resistance (think en francaise - I'm sure that phrase is not spelled right) is the shit ton of stuff I need to get done at work, but can't do, because I am always at a training or in a fucking meeting, coupled with the work I need to do for my advanced qualitative research class, and the work I need to do to prep for my comps exam. Oh, and I can't figure out how to get to my dvr recordings on my AT &T uverse box, so I haven't been able to see any of my reality tv (Vanderpump Rules, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Millionaire Matchmaker - seriously, what was life like before Bravo?)

FUCK.MY.LIFE  (not really - I kind of have guilt already over writing that, because I know that relatively speaking my life is so much better than many people, and many would beg for my problems over what they are faced with.)

#Firstworldwhitegirlproblems

Calgon, take me away.

EPIPHANY!

I just finished writing one post and am going straight into another.  In my last post I mentioned an article from mind body green that lists three questions to ask yourself about your drinking.  The last question was, "What kind of people do you attract when you drink?"  I want to further elaborate on my answer to this question, as I think this incident and it's aftermath may have been my true bottom.

So, in a previous post, I mentioned my liaison (that makes it sound classy, right?) with 28 year old country boy...okay, let's be honest here, country boy is being nice - he was a redneck.  Weeellll, the parts I failed to mention are that he is a convicted felon, arrested for arms trafficking, oh yea and he had (or has - hell if I know) a girlfriend.  Ok, as we like to say in academia, let's bracket out the important terms CONVICTED FELON  and ARMS TRAFFICKING.  What the Fuck?!?!  Then there is the redneck girlfriend to contend with  - nothing like having a 22 year old girl call/text your 40 year old ass to find out with the deal is with you and her boyfriend.  As I sit here and type this out now, I know that absolutely no part of that is okay.  Not the drunken phone calls from country boy, not his request for me to talk dirty to him on the phone, not his plea for me to pick him up from a rodeo (did I actually just type rodeo???) in another town.

It was kind of a funny story to tell to my friends for a while...the escapades of a single mom, but now as I sit here typing it out and seeing it in black and white, with a mind free of alcohol for 7 days now, I can't believe it. That is not me, that was not me, but it was.  That was me drinking, and that was who I attracted into my life.

I'm not going to shame myself about it, but I am going to face it.

I have a problem with alcohol.

Friday Night Writes

Several different topics for musing tonight...  First, I met with my dissertation chair this evening and neither cried, nor acted like a hormonal teenager swooning with infatuation over him (how cliche, I know...grad student crush on professor).  I can't help but to think this is due in part to my taking ownership of my life (i.e, facing up to drinking issues <especially coming clean to non-drinking therapist>, abstaining, and actually delving into the work of my dissertation).  I know it is silly, but I felt so proud walking away from that meeting this afternoon (Backstory to give context to my pride -  I have full on cried the last two times I met with said professor, and have also teared up on several other occasions; when not crying or becoming teary eyed, I oscillate to the other extreme of acting like a giddy high school girl giggling at his witty anecdotes and charming him with my scholarly wit - can you say #winning?)

I want to share links to two articles I found this evening.  The CNN article   discusses the health effects (positive and negative) of alcohol.  The article states moderate drinking for women is no more than a glass a day.  I don't know about you, but I call that mild drinking - moderate to me would be more like 2 -3 adult beverages daily.  The piece that stuck with me was about the negative effects of binge drinking (Defined as four of more drinks for women)..."researchers discovered binge drinkers had bacterial DNA in their bloodstreams, which was a sign bacteria had leaked out from the gut.  They also discovered elevated endotoxin presence in the blood, which meant toxins had been released from cells after cell walls were damaged by booze.  The consequences: These toxins could lead to fever, tissue destruction and inflammation, which is tied to a host of health problems from cancer to depression."

The second article is from MindBodyGreen and lists three questions to ask yourself about your drinking.  Questions are below with my italicized answer following
1- How do you feel after a night of drinking? two words - like shit
2- Are you trying to "achieve" something by drinking? yes - sometimes to relieve social anxiety, sometimes just to have fun and sometimes to take a vacation from myself
3- What kind of people do you attract when drinking? ummmm - probably not the best quality - flashback to previous post on cute 28 year old country boy - I don't think I mentioned that he was arrested for gun trafficking - Good Lord- what the hell was I thinking?!?!

Coming Clean

Weeeellll...today I went to see my therapist who I've been seeing for the past 7 years or so.  I started seeing her with my now ex-husband for marriage counseling.  While my relationship with my husband did not last, my relationship with my counselor has remained steady.

Today I finally really told her about my drinking history.  If she did not already think that I was completely bonkers, I feel fairly certain that she does now.  I actually went through my blog and recounted my rock bottoms and recent drinking history with her.  She knew some of it, but not nearly all of it, nor did she know the extent of it (the drunk driving, my intoxicated infatuation with cigarette smoking).

The whole process of "coming clean" was kind of illuminative.  I don't talk about my drinking habit with non-drinkers, and sharing that information with (who I assume to be) a religious non-drinker was slightly more than mildly uncomfortable, and made me realize that yes, my drinking has been problematic.

Since restarting, after my slip around my 40th birthday festivities, I am 6 days alcohol free, and still completely unsure of where I am going with all of this...one day at a time I guess.

I'm back and oops I did it again

Well, I may have fallen off the wagon.  Okay, I did fall off the wagon. I decided, I don't have a drinking problem, and I even went as far as to remove my blog.  In an effort to be honest and forthright, with myself if no one else, I have reposted blog.... Here is a recounting of my fall.

You may or may not remember from previous posts my hemming and hawing about whether or not I should drink prior to my trip to visit my dad, where I would celebrate New Years Eve AND my 40th birthday!  Well, I made it through New Year's Eve just fine, but I caved the next day.  My dad was fixing bloody marys for everyone and I said "Fuck it - I'm having one".  I didn't want to feel deprived and draw attention to my not drinking.  So, I had a bloody mary and I was very conscientious of it, afraid to give into the release.  I think I had two glasses of wine that night - nothing out of control.  The next day was similar - probably two or three glasses of wine starting with dinner and throughout the evening...nothing eventful to speak of.  The next day was my 40th birthday and I did consume a bit more - We started with champagne - and then it was just kind of like all bets are off for me - I had a few glasses of champagne (not sure how many, but they were small glasses - like maybe 4 oz.) and then wine with dinner.  That night I just drank however much I wanted with out worrying about it, and it was fine enough I guess - I didn't make an ass of myself (at least to my knowledge), I stopped drinking before bed and had some water, definitely didn't smoke cigarettes as that might cause my dad and stepmom to hyperventilate and freak the F out.  I ended my return venture into drinking this past Friday night with my friends.  Honestly I really didn't even feel like going out after being tired from going back to work all week (teachers have a tough life - I mean two weeks off at Christmas and then going back to work!)  Anywho, I went out for drinks and dinner with my friends at one place, then we went to two other bars, I had 8 drinks over the course of 7 hours, and never really felt drunk - a drink an hour isn't bad right?  But 8 drinks in a night seems like a lot!  I had two cigarettes that night, braving the frigid temps to get my fix.

The next day (yesterday) I was pretty much a sloth.  I didn't feel bad, but I took 2 Looooooong naps and according to my Fitbit I took just under 5,000 steps under half of where I should be and usually am.  I ate like a pig and was fairly disgusted with myself.  I decided ONCE AGAIN, that it just isn't worth it for me.  I am tired of feeling gross and disgusted with myself.

So, today, I went to hot yoga and decided that rather then focusing on what I don't want (me being a drunken fool), I am going to put my energy and attention on building and becoming the person I want to be.  This person is healthy, fit, productive, kind, loving, and SOBER!

I leave you all today with a little piece of pinspiration...