Step 1 and Day 39

I met with my sponsor last night to begin my step work with the book Back to Basics, and let me tell you Step 1 was a doozy!  If you have been an avid reader of my blog this will probably not be a surprise to you, as many of my posts have dealt with me coming to terms with my drinking problem.

The process for step one in this book was to read a chapter that talks a good bit about alcoholism, with some of the identifiers being like you have a craving for alcohol, find that you often can't control the amount you drink (like some people have just one or two drinks and for you that's just getting started!), or that you have tried to quit and that you are unable to do so.  Despite the fact that I met all of those identifiers, it was still hard for me to say that yes I am an alcoholic.

I know that I have a drinking problem, and that I don't need to drink, but saying that I am an alcoholic takes it to a whole other level and it means for me that the jig is really up, which is actually kind of sad to me.  I guess I was harboring a pipe dream that when I finished my degree and my life was less filled with stress I might be able to drink more normally, and admittance of my problem with the "a" word means I have to kiss that dream good-bye.

I know it's crazy, but it is kind of sad to me...I loved alcohol - I loved how it made me feel, how it turned my mind off, the fun times I had with it...

As I have been reflecting back on my drinking career, I have come to the realization that most of my memories involve alcohol.  Memories of the beach, vacations, first dates, Grad school (the first go around), my favorite cities of Charleston and Savannah, the fun parties, boy friends, girls nights out...the list goes on and on.

So now I begin the work of creating a new life and new memories filled with healthy coping and clarity and free of alcohol.

Wish me luck!