Today makes 25 days. I feel much stronger this time than I did in any previous attempts. I know for sure that I am going to make it to 30 days! I've been debating the role that AA will play in my life, but I really want to go back, with one of the primary reasons being that I want that 30 day chip! ;) My reasons for not going are that I'm still not quite sure if I belong, I kind of feel like an "alcoholic poser" since I never had a DUI, never went to rehab, was never a wake-up drinker,etc. Now this is not to imply that I don't have a problem, because I know I do, I'm just wondering how "high-bottoms" like me fit into AA, or if we even do. Sometimes if I get too far into my thinking I will say to myself that I am just drinking too much because of the stress in my life.
So, I've been telling myself that I'm just not drinking "for now". How long "for now" is, I don't know. When I think that I can drink at any time, I ask myself why I would want to do that, knowing that it will make me feel bad mentally, physically and emotionally. When I think about drinking moderately, I think "why bother?", because I know that for me, alcohol was never about moderation, it was a vehicle to get me to feel the way I wanted to feel.
My dad and stepmom came to visit last weekend for Easter and I told them that I wasn't drinking. I said I didn't want to make a big deal about it, but that I wasn't drinking right now. My stepmom said that she had wanted to talk to me about that, because she could tell that the last time we talked I had been drinking and had been drinking a good bit. Can you say embarrassment? I wanted to melt into the floor! However shaming that discussion was, it was also verification that I am on the right path.
I recently cancelled a 40th birthday trip with girlfriends to an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. I know that this would be nothing but a booze-fest, and my chances of enjoying myself alcohol free were slim to none. I feel good about my decision and have decided instead to go somewhere with my daughter.
I'm still plugging along, feeling pretty good, with no plans of drinking anytime soon...One day at a time is all we can really count on. Today I am choosing sobriety.
Dear WCM,
ReplyDeleteYay for you!! 25 days is great!!
If you to go to AA, don't focus on how you are different, but to see the beauty of recovery. People come into the meetings at many places of their drinking lives, but all of them are there (myself included) because they want to be healthy and happy again!
I go to learn as well as get support.
Recently,I had a friend comment about my drinking of the past, and I too felt shame at first. Ugh! Then I got kind of mad. I wanted her to stop talking about it. But that is a reminder to me that I had problems!
I wouldn't want to go on a vacation with a lot of old drinking buddies either.
You are on the right path.
I can't say it's easy. But keep on, and I bet things will become clearer!
Hugs!
Wendy