Recovering me

I feel like I made some headway on my not-drinking-journey this weekend, after beginning it with a minor meltdown complete with tears and sadness at my newfound inability to not drink...it was Friday night, I was going to meet friends for sushi at a place where I have been drinking for Y-E-A-R-S, and I wanted to be able to drink dammit! I actually cried - thinking back, I'm not sure why, but I definitely felt a loss.  I called my sponsor who told me that this was part of the process, that maybe now the newness was wearing off and I would need to find new ways to reward myself as well as learning how to face emotions.  I went to dinner with my friends and had a great time...just as good of a time as I would have had if I had been drinking.  They had probably 2 - 3 drinks each, which made me wonder if I was the person driving the party train...when I was drinking before it seemed like everyone drank just about as much as me - could I have been the instigator?  After dinner with friends I went to an AA meeting and I got my 30 day chip - woo hoo!!  I still feel awkward in the meetings, although I enjoy going to them and feel as if I always get something from them.  I think it's just that I am not a good small talker and DEFINITELY not a big talker in front of groups of people I don't know when I'm not 100% sure of what I'm talking about.  I have yet to speak in front of the group at the meeting and I most certainly haven't said the A-word.

I feel so much more peace in my life than I have felt in a long, long time...maybe even ever.  I am feeling more balanced and calm.  Even though I wasn't a daily drinker, I am wondering how much of the chaos that was in my life was brought about by alcohol and the repercussions from overindulgence.  I am not as tired as I used to be, and not napping all the time.  I feel like I am getting so much more done than I have in the past - be it work, school, or home.  I am able to focus so much more of my attention on my daughter, and I am realizing how she frequently has gotten the short end of the stick - words cannot truly express how this saddens me.  I am actually feeling content just being me and doing "my thing".  I am trying to be gentle with myself and accept myself as I am.  I am working on the serenity prayer and realizing how much I tried to control people, places and things that were out of my control.

I am remembering who I really am and what things I really like, that I actually am a quiet, more introverted person (unless we're close, then watch out!) and that it is okay for me to be that way - I don't have to put on a party girl facade to be liked.   I feel like I am on the path to recovering the real me...maybe that's what recovery is all about?