90 days musings

Well, well, well, I can officially say I have not been sober this long since I was 14 (excluding pregnancy).  Today marks day 90, which I celebrated by meeting a blind date for coffee (how recovering drinker of me).  I wish I had a good report, but there was ZERO chemistry on my part.  He was very nice, but not for me.  Dating sober is providing a whole new venue in which I can define myself.  It is SOOOOO different than before...no alcohol to ease the awkwardness, not really sure how to define myself.

My date and I met at a local coffee shop downtown.  There was a group of drunken men standing outside (now mind you this is at 3:00 pm).  My date mentioned their drunkenness with disdain, and in my mind, I'm thinking about how fun it would be to party with them.  I know that's not a very good sober thought, but I have to say I miss it some.  I don't miss the hangovers, the next day shame and guilt, and the poor choices, but I do miss the freedom in those drunken moments.

 I still struggle with whether or not this will be a forever thing for me, and whether or not I can ever drink again in moderation.  Right now, I am choosing to abstain, and I know that there is no really good reason for me to drink alcohol.  I miss the "lifestyle"  that is associated with drinking...the parties (think summer cocktails on a lovely lawn or a beer on the beach), what I perceive to be  the sophistication of drinking (not being drunk, but drinking).  Jason Vale's book, Kick the Drink elaborates on how we have been brainwashed into buying into the culture of drinking.

  I guess what my problem boils down to is that of my identity.  I don't identify as a non-drinker yet.  I still have a stereotype of a boring tee-totaler in my head when I think of non-drinker.  I still have that drinker mentality.  When does that go away?  Does that go away?  Maybe as I find more positive things to replace the drinking, then I will be more comfortable with sobriety.  I keep reading other people mention the "pink cloud".  I think I have yet to experience that.  The drinking is gone, but some of the things that made me drink are still there...namely the loneliness.  I'm working on remedying that with trying out new hobbies, and the online dating, but have had limited success thus far.

I feel like I am in no-man's land.  I'm not a part of the drinking club, but I feel I don't really quite fit with AA (no DUI's, no intervention, no rehab, no lying, no cheating, no stealing). I feel I'm trudging along, somewhere in between happy sobriety and a drinking lifestyle...not really belonging to either camp. I guess I'll keep trekking along, trying to discover myself and find the right place for me.