Addendum...
I begrudgingly went to an AA meeting tonight, for two main reasons. One, being, I didn't have anything else to do, and two, being ever the high achiever, I wanted to get my 90 day chip. In typical fashion, God showed up by placing me just where I needed to be and allowing me to have yet another mini-epiphany. I heard so many things tonight that resonated with me, especially since earlier today, I was contemplating drinking again (not in the immediate future, but kind of talking myself into it/giving myself permission to do it in the future). Here is how I saw God:
* a young twenty-something female talking about how she first started drinking in social settings and how it helped her overcome her shyness, but then, as her friends started drinking more normally, she continued on in the same fashion (this is so totally me, fell in love with alcohol initially as it helped me to be louder and more fun/less shy, but then when many of my "normal" friends' drinking began to wane, mine was really just getting started)
* a seventy something male who talked about being on and off the wagon and continually getting white chips...he gave the analogy of touching the same hot stove over and over, when you know what's going to happen, your going to get burnt (I feel this way about my drinking - I may be able to drink "normally" one night, but it's the next night or the time after, when I begin my journey down the slippery slope...I think my previous ventures into sobriety as chronicled here illustrate that - get sober for a time, drink normally once, get embarrassingly shitfaced, suffer guilt and shame, rinse, repeat)
* another seventy something male who had just relapsed after 11 years of sobriety...he talked about loneliness and his 'stinking thinking' causing him to drink...his speech actually brought me to tears - that loneliness is a bitch as is the thinking - those are probably my big two triggers
Throughout all of this, I came to realize just how self-absorbed I have been. I have been focused solely on myself, how I am different, or better than the rest of the people in AA because of the fact that I haven't had rehab, DUI, or jail time. Instead of thinking about how different I am, and how I may not be an alcoholic, I need to be thankful that God gave me a high bottom and that I was able to realize my problem before I sank lower.
I can really identify with the 'cocktails on the lawn' part of your post. I loved sitting back with a glass of wine or a fancy cocktail and feeling that lovely relaxing wave wash over me. If only I was ever able to leave it at that. Not that I would have wanted to ever have left it at that, or could have left it at that. What's the point?
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling with the idea of forever again over the weekend and it has made me feel a bit claustrophic but I suppose I have to sit with that and allow it to pass, which hopefully it will.
You're doing a great job! Take it easy. xxMtts
Dear Mtts,
DeleteI agree that the idea of forever can be quite terrifying...I try not to think about it, because for me it's a slippery slope that starts with, "you weren't that bad" then goes to "maybe you should try it again to see if you really have a problem", then "you could try to moderate". But like you, I never (well sometimes) had just one...like you said, what is the point of THAT? Good luck on your journey...you are doing great!
Isn't that the truth?
ReplyDeleteIf I take the focus off of "poor me", I can see there is nothing for me to feel sad about, unless I started drinking again.
We are all people dealing with life one way or another!
xo
Wendy