Mad at myself for drinking so much...worried about the texts sent to Match man (he initiated texts, but I was much "wittier" than I would have been sober - ugh - at least he doesn't know me well enough to know how crazy I really am). Disappointed in myself - what kind of mom am I? I have THE best daughter in the world and I act like an idiot - I want better for her.
I remember the tipping point yesterday - right after that second glass of wine, pouring myself another, and it was game on.
I wanted to check out, and I did.
Only now, I have to check back in and deal with...
the aftermath
-shame
-disappointment
-anger at myself
-embarassment (my "witty" banter with Match man)
-knowing I won't do what I need to do today (go to gym, do quality school work)
-physically feeling like crap
ugh
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
As simple as that...
This post may not be what you thought it would be...
As I type this, I am drunk... my fingers stumbling over the keys...intoxicated...frequently backspacing and deleting errors I don't intend...
One week ago, I had a date with the man I mentioned previously in my posts... dark skinned, intellectual, handsome - I had two beers. Tonight, I have had one bottle of wine, 5 beers, and another 2 glasses of wine.
I am fucking tired of it all. I am tired of being the sole breadwinner. I am tired of working full time. I am tired of trying to better myself.
so...
as simple as that,
I check in on my daughter to make sure that she is asleeep soundly in her bed (she is)
I light a cigarette off my smooth top stove (because the one lighter I can find isn't working, nearly burning my fingers in the process)
I call my dog onto the screened in porch (so that I can write with her out here)
I find my functioning lighter in the pack of cigarettes I have been smoking
I type these words
I check out
I check in
with whoever reads these posts...
I am tired...
of being the sole breadwinner
of getting my doctorate
of being responsible
I am...
me
trying my best
to do what's right
and live a life
that is better for me and my daughter
as simple as that, I am drunk, checked out and the most content I have content in this moment than I have been in all my previous moments of sobriety...
simple as that
As I type this, I am drunk... my fingers stumbling over the keys...intoxicated...frequently backspacing and deleting errors I don't intend...
One week ago, I had a date with the man I mentioned previously in my posts... dark skinned, intellectual, handsome - I had two beers. Tonight, I have had one bottle of wine, 5 beers, and another 2 glasses of wine.
I am fucking tired of it all. I am tired of being the sole breadwinner. I am tired of working full time. I am tired of trying to better myself.
so...
as simple as that,
I check in on my daughter to make sure that she is asleeep soundly in her bed (she is)
I light a cigarette off my smooth top stove (because the one lighter I can find isn't working, nearly burning my fingers in the process)
I call my dog onto the screened in porch (so that I can write with her out here)
I find my functioning lighter in the pack of cigarettes I have been smoking
I type these words
I check out
I check in
with whoever reads these posts...
I am tired...
of being the sole breadwinner
of getting my doctorate
of being responsible
I am...
me
trying my best
to do what's right
and live a life
that is better for me and my daughter
as simple as that, I am drunk, checked out and the most content I have content in this moment than I have been in all my previous moments of sobriety...
simple as that
Friday, January 30, 2015
Which came first, the drinking or the stress? (much like the chicken or the egg debate)
I'm at 21 days now, and I'm wondering is my drinking a product of the stress in my life, or is it an issue that exists solely in and of itself?
I've always like to drink...the fun, the freedom, the release. I never really worried about it being that much of a problem before my divorce. I was probably just truly a social drinker. When I drank socially, sometimes I did drink too much (or at least as much as those around me), but many times I didn't.
I think my slippery slope really started when I got separated about 5 1/2 years ago. Suddenly I was thrust into a world where I was solely responsible for managing a house, a yard, the bills that go with both and being a heartbroken part-time parent to my then just turned 3 year old daughter. I learned about the $400 utility bills that come with an 80+ year old house, the rodents that like to make nocturnal visits in the evening to said older homes, leaving their calling cards in drawers and on shelves, and I learned more than I ever care to about maintaining a yard.
This learning coincided with navigating a newly single social life and the dating that is part and parcel of it. Many "couple" friendships fell by the wayside, and many friends and family members who I thought would be supportive weren't. Then there was struggle of being a part-time single parent. The difficulty of doing it on my own, the sadness when separated from my daughter tinged with slight relief at the break but compounded at guilt over feeling relief.
Mix all of this in with a hefty dose of loneliness and you have a perfect recipe for single mom stress and sadness.
Never one to take the easy path, I decided that in order to carve out a better path for myself and my daughter I would get my doctorate. This added a whole new level of stress.
Reflecting back, this has me wondering if my drinking escalated as a product of my stress/life situation, or if it was always there lurking and would have reared it's ugly head one way or another. Now this isn't to say that I was feeling sad or stressed every time I drank, but drinking did prove to be an effective, efficient and relatively inexpensive way to have fun and take a vacation from my life (as opposed to let's say a Caribbean vacation).
I'm wondering if I wouldn't have the drinking problem if I control the stress in my life?
I'd love to get any thoughts and feedback!
I've always like to drink...the fun, the freedom, the release. I never really worried about it being that much of a problem before my divorce. I was probably just truly a social drinker. When I drank socially, sometimes I did drink too much (or at least as much as those around me), but many times I didn't.
I think my slippery slope really started when I got separated about 5 1/2 years ago. Suddenly I was thrust into a world where I was solely responsible for managing a house, a yard, the bills that go with both and being a heartbroken part-time parent to my then just turned 3 year old daughter. I learned about the $400 utility bills that come with an 80+ year old house, the rodents that like to make nocturnal visits in the evening to said older homes, leaving their calling cards in drawers and on shelves, and I learned more than I ever care to about maintaining a yard.
This learning coincided with navigating a newly single social life and the dating that is part and parcel of it. Many "couple" friendships fell by the wayside, and many friends and family members who I thought would be supportive weren't. Then there was struggle of being a part-time single parent. The difficulty of doing it on my own, the sadness when separated from my daughter tinged with slight relief at the break but compounded at guilt over feeling relief.
Mix all of this in with a hefty dose of loneliness and you have a perfect recipe for single mom stress and sadness.
Never one to take the easy path, I decided that in order to carve out a better path for myself and my daughter I would get my doctorate. This added a whole new level of stress.
Reflecting back, this has me wondering if my drinking escalated as a product of my stress/life situation, or if it was always there lurking and would have reared it's ugly head one way or another. Now this isn't to say that I was feeling sad or stressed every time I drank, but drinking did prove to be an effective, efficient and relatively inexpensive way to have fun and take a vacation from my life (as opposed to let's say a Caribbean vacation).
I'm wondering if I wouldn't have the drinking problem if I control the stress in my life?
I'd love to get any thoughts and feedback!
Monday, January 26, 2015
Trick(y things in my life right now) or treat(s for not drinking)
Trick(y things in my life right now)
About five minutes ago (approximately 4:30 pm East Coast time), I found myself hiding in the corner of my kitchen eating chocolate cake so that my daughter would not see me. I cut myself a decent size slice and then had to go back and even up the edges... of course the cake has to be even! It has nothing to do with me wanting a bit more!
I just got an email from match.com, offering to "Let a pro write your profile. Our top-notch writers can make your personality shine. Make your profile more appealing." So apparently Match.com recognizes that I am in a dating slump - this could be a new low for me. I then tried to persuade my daughter to take pictures of me playfully about to bite a tortilla chip, or with my hand on my hip (which was shifted to the side ever so slightly) as I grinned over my shoulder, so that I could add some pizazz to my profile pictures. Apparently my daughter, who did not know my ulterior motive for said photos, did not think they were apropos, as she asks me if I was trying to scar her for life.
Yesterday, my dumb ass ex husband told me that he let his 12 year old step daughter take our 8 year old daughter and her 8 year old step brother to the movies...without consulting me first. This really pissed me off, as I don't think it was a wise choice (I guess I am conservative and perhaps over protective as a parent) and I felt like he should have at least talked to me first.
This weekend, a friend of mine from high school is having her 40th birthday weekend with a bunch of girls from high school and college. I will not be going for two reasons - first reason - I need to work on getting ready for comps exam and preparing for dissertation, and two - I am not drinking. I feel as if I am in a strange no where land...kind of wanting to go, but kind of glad I'm not. I know that I am doing the right thing for me, but I can't help but to feel as if I am missing out.
But, the good news about all of these tricky things in my life is that I am still not drinking and I am still breathing.
Treat(s for not drinking)
So Belle, who is running the 100 day sober challenge, in which I am participating, sent me my first homework assignment. This assignment was the kind of work that I can get into. I was to compile a list of treats that I can use to reward myself every two days for not drinking. Here is the list that I have come up with thus far:
About five minutes ago (approximately 4:30 pm East Coast time), I found myself hiding in the corner of my kitchen eating chocolate cake so that my daughter would not see me. I cut myself a decent size slice and then had to go back and even up the edges... of course the cake has to be even! It has nothing to do with me wanting a bit more!
I just got an email from match.com, offering to "Let a pro write your profile. Our top-notch writers can make your personality shine. Make your profile more appealing." So apparently Match.com recognizes that I am in a dating slump - this could be a new low for me. I then tried to persuade my daughter to take pictures of me playfully about to bite a tortilla chip, or with my hand on my hip (which was shifted to the side ever so slightly) as I grinned over my shoulder, so that I could add some pizazz to my profile pictures. Apparently my daughter, who did not know my ulterior motive for said photos, did not think they were apropos, as she asks me if I was trying to scar her for life.
Yesterday, my dumb ass ex husband told me that he let his 12 year old step daughter take our 8 year old daughter and her 8 year old step brother to the movies...without consulting me first. This really pissed me off, as I don't think it was a wise choice (I guess I am conservative and perhaps over protective as a parent) and I felt like he should have at least talked to me first.
This weekend, a friend of mine from high school is having her 40th birthday weekend with a bunch of girls from high school and college. I will not be going for two reasons - first reason - I need to work on getting ready for comps exam and preparing for dissertation, and two - I am not drinking. I feel as if I am in a strange no where land...kind of wanting to go, but kind of glad I'm not. I know that I am doing the right thing for me, but I can't help but to feel as if I am missing out.
But, the good news about all of these tricky things in my life is that I am still not drinking and I am still breathing.
Treat(s for not drinking)
So Belle, who is running the 100 day sober challenge, in which I am participating, sent me my first homework assignment. This assignment was the kind of work that I can get into. I was to compile a list of treats that I can use to reward myself every two days for not drinking. Here is the list that I have come up with thus far:
- new herbal or green tea K-cups ( I have decided to become a tea drinker in the evening)
- Either sugar cubes or some kind of cute honey to sweeten said tea
- Coffee mugs (in which aforementioned tea will be consumed)
- scented lotion
- scented Body wash
- celebrity gossip magazine (People or Us weekly)
- Cute new cup (preferably with a lid and ideally with a built in infuser) out of which I can drink non-alcoholic beverages
- Tervis Tumbler
- chocolate bar from Whole Foods (they have chocolate raspberry and chocolate orange - yummo!)
- new ebook on sober life on iPad
Do any of you use sober treats to reward yourself? If so, to what have you treated yourself?
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Navigatin' Datin' and Musins on Abusin' (alcohol)
Second post for the day...soooo, earlier, I wrote about how good I felt being sober - six hours later I am going to write and tell you that commitment is not that strong. While perusing the aisles of the local Wal-Mart in an attempt to complete my weekly grocery shopping, I spotted a bottle of Chocovine. For those of you who have not had this delicious concoction, you don't know what you are missing out on (and if you are reading this - you probably will never know - sorry, just saying'). Upon spotting, this delectable treasure, my mind started to wander...OMG, Chocovine. I love Chocovine. It tastes just like Bailey's. How can I never have Chocovine again? What kind of world is this without Chocovine? (Forget the fact that I haven't had this beverage in two years and probably haven't thought of it since, but thinking that I now may not ever be able to have it again, well, now that's problematic).
Then my commitment was really tested this evening when I logged onto Match.com. (For whatever reason, I have joined Match, and have not had any luck to speak of- honestly probably the worst luck of my dating life. I think that my repeated joining/ deleting my profile has saturated the online dating market, thusly causing me to lose my appeal, but anywho, that's a whole other story for a whole other blog - dating drama (or lack thereof) of the single mom. ) Tonight, I spotted a profile of a man that looks right up my alley - a little bit stocky, tall (isn), dark hair and eyes, a liberal PhD, but he drinks moderately! Now in Match land, moderately is a step above social drinking, think, this person is a serious drinker, they are in essence admitting that they are not merely a social drinker. This profile sent my mind spinning into the crazy land of what if? What if he asked me out on a date? What if he wanted to order a fine bottle of wine? What if he wanted to get in a jacuzzi with a bottle of champagne? (that's a stretch I know) What if he wanted to drink beers on a boat? (prompted by one of his profile pics) What if he wanted to drink chocovine? (I have to bring it full circle here) What if? What if? What if?
These are just the questions prompted by viewing a profile. Creating my profile, rendered me with a whole other host of questions? What do I put down for drinking? Do I say "never" - no, then people might identify me as a holy rolling teetotaler, which as I think I have proven in previous posts, I am definitely not. Do I put down "socially", despite the fact that I'm currently not drinking? Do I leave it blank and be super enigmatic? What to do? What to do?
Before, you all recommend that I seek psychiatric help for my out of control mind, I have a takeaway...to just be in the moment, and get out of my head, because in the moment, as long as I'm breathing, I'm doing all right.
Alas, dear reader(s), I shall leave you with another dose of pinspiration....who am I kidding??? This is for me :)
Then my commitment was really tested this evening when I logged onto Match.com. (For whatever reason, I have joined Match, and have not had any luck to speak of- honestly probably the worst luck of my dating life. I think that my repeated joining/ deleting my profile has saturated the online dating market, thusly causing me to lose my appeal, but anywho, that's a whole other story for a whole other blog - dating drama (or lack thereof) of the single mom. ) Tonight, I spotted a profile of a man that looks right up my alley - a little bit stocky, tall (isn), dark hair and eyes, a liberal PhD, but he drinks moderately! Now in Match land, moderately is a step above social drinking, think, this person is a serious drinker, they are in essence admitting that they are not merely a social drinker. This profile sent my mind spinning into the crazy land of what if? What if he asked me out on a date? What if he wanted to order a fine bottle of wine? What if he wanted to get in a jacuzzi with a bottle of champagne? (that's a stretch I know) What if he wanted to drink beers on a boat? (prompted by one of his profile pics) What if he wanted to drink chocovine? (I have to bring it full circle here) What if? What if? What if?
These are just the questions prompted by viewing a profile. Creating my profile, rendered me with a whole other host of questions? What do I put down for drinking? Do I say "never" - no, then people might identify me as a holy rolling teetotaler, which as I think I have proven in previous posts, I am definitely not. Do I put down "socially", despite the fact that I'm currently not drinking? Do I leave it blank and be super enigmatic? What to do? What to do?
Before, you all recommend that I seek psychiatric help for my out of control mind, I have a takeaway...to just be in the moment, and get out of my head, because in the moment, as long as I'm breathing, I'm doing all right.
Alas, dear reader(s), I shall leave you with another dose of pinspiration....who am I kidding??? This is for me :)
100 Day Challenge
I am taking control of my life and relinquishing control that I never had.
Pinspiration #1:
I just got registered for Belle's 100 day challenge. Below is a copy of my pledge:
I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed... but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend's friend's grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I'm not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens... no matter what.
My last drink was Friday January 9, 2015, so this is my day 16.
Here's to changing my life for the better:
Pinspiration #2
The funny thing is, since recommitting myself to sobriety (it feels weird to say that word), I have felt this strange new emotion...pride. Interesting that my great job, master's degree and doctoral level classes haven't given me the same feeling of pride that 16 little days of sobriety have.
It's nice to talk to someone, (namely a non-drinker) without wondering if they are on to your dirty little secret. Can they Tell that I was shitfaced this weekend? Do they know I drive drunk sometimes? Do they know that I smoke cigarettes when I'm drunk? Do they know I engage strangers in witty and charming conversation while intoxicated? (read that one sarcastically) Do they know that I had sex with a 28 year old redneck? Do they know? Do they know? Do they know?
It is nice not to feel like I am hiding anything. It is nice not to feel like I am living 2 different lives. Think elementary school educator by day, aging party girl by night. It is nice not to feel shame. It is nice not to feel guilt. It is nice.
I'm beginning to like this thing called sobriety. It is nice.
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